<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Desire by sharedwithyou</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27629264">Desire</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou'>sharedwithyou</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Age: Inquisition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, F/M, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sorry Not Sorry, Suspension Of Disbelief</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:28:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27629264</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning: may get dark/sad.</p><p>Lovely is Desire, watching Cullen from the fade.<br/> </p><p>Nothing you do works. </p><p>You should leave. But you don’t want him to be alone.</p><p>If he has to hurt, you’ll hurt together.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cullen Rutherford/Reader, Solas (Dragon Age)/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/OriginalPomegranate/gifts">OriginalPomegranate</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I’m playing inquisition for the second time and I just bought trespasser (no spoilers please)</p><p>So why not celebrate with an angsty multi-chapter Cullen/reader/Solas Fic?!</p><p>WARNING: may get dark and sad, as is my style.</p><p>There’s so much lore I don’t fully know yet so please suspend disbelief to enjoy this!</p><p>Dedicated to my world-building lovely, who wrote the first dragon age fic I ever read!</p><p>Enjoy! Leave me a comment if you like!!</p><p>Xoxo Bucky</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your ears are ringing.</p><p>He’s the one who was slapped halfway across the room, but somehow your ears are ringing.</p><p>He clutches his face and you want to hold it for him.</p><p>He stands up straight again, resolutely.</p><p>Don’t. Don’t show so much resistance.</p><p>You try to make him hunch a little. He stands stiff as a board.</p><p>Don’t. Don’t look so proud.</p><p>You look away, but the ringing is back in your ears.</p><p>You try to help him up, but he stays down this time.</p><p>Nothing you do works. </p><p>You should leave. But you don’t want him to be alone.</p><p>If he has to hurt, you’ll hurt together.</p><p> </p><p>The ticking is stuck in your head.</p><p>He’s the one taking a timed test, but the ticking is stuck in your head.</p><p>A.The answer is A.</p><p>He checks his calculations, but his answer isn’t one of the options.</p><p>You forgot to carry the 1. You’re going to get in huge trouble for such a basic mistake.</p><p>He erases it all and starts from scratch. He’s running out of time but he refuses to guess.</p><p>Your stubbornness is a great quality, Cullen. You’ll figure that out soon.</p><p>He comes up with an equation that matches B.</p><p>It’s a forgivable error. It’s also his only error. He’ll get off with just a mild lecture this time.</p><p>You share a sigh of relief as he turns in his work.</p><p>The sweat is beading at his forehead; five hours in a stuffy classroom for one test is too much.</p><p>You try to dab at it, but he brushes it across his face instead.</p><p>A classmate chases him down and they commiserate heartily.</p><p>He’s not alone anymore. You should leave.</p><p>If it doesn’t hurt anymore, you should stop trying.</p><p> </p><p>The heartbeats are rapid, reverberating in your mind.</p><p>It’s their life on the line, but the heartbeat is bouncing against the walls of your mind.</p><p>The harrowing. What a terrible name. But it’s not exactly a delightful event anyway.</p><p>“A lust demon. How appropriate.”</p><p>How rude. You are the embodiment of desire. If they have carnal desires that’s not your fault.</p><p>That’s beside the point, though. You lazily set up a maze for the fearful apprentice, and do your best to look interested.</p><p>Really you could care less about possessing them. You’re perfectly content staring at the handsome Templar with his hand resting on his blade. But you’ll do that later when this tiresome exercise is over. It would be dangerous to fawn over him now.</p><p>You’ve given up on trying to cross by yourself. Objectively, it was heartbreaking when you realized you could yell until your voice gave out and he’d never hear you. But considering all the times you tried to reach out and touch him, and failed, the small disappointments had slowly dulled your pain. Learning that there was a veil was like learning Solas’s favorite fruit. Just another tidbit of knowledge.</p><p>Tomato, by the way.</p><p>“You might want to shorten the maze. He looks like he’s running out of time.”</p><p>Speak of the devil. Well, you didn’t really believe in devils.</p><p>“There isn’t supposed to be a time limit. It’s not a final exam.”</p><p>“It may as well be.”</p><p>You hold in a sigh and herd the poor apprentice to the exit.</p><p>He grins in excitement when he realizes he’s made it.</p><p>You feign disappointment and disappear with a poof.</p><p> </p><p>“That was close, (y/n).”</p><p>“I figured after all my time watching I’d give it a go.”</p><p>Solas frowns at you in disapproval. His skin still looks beautifully smooth though.</p><p>“This is not a game. It’s life and death.”</p><p>“I’ll make it easier on them next time.”</p><p>He frowns deeper. “I meant for you, too.”</p><p>You walk up to him and bop him on the nose. “Don’t be mad.”</p><p>He steps back and puts his hands on his hips. It’s the first time he’s shown strong emotion. It doesn’t bother you.<br/>
“I’ll be more careful next time, ok?</p><p>“There shouldn’t be a next time.”</p><p>“Aw, come on, can’t a girl play?”</p><p>“Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”</p><p>You pout. “But it’s boring here!”</p><p>He sighs and pats you on the head. “I know. But you can’t gamble with your life like that.”</p><p>“It’s not much of a life,” you grumble.</p><p>“Oh? It’s not satisfying watching your handsome Templar?”</p><p>You blush and glare at him. “Stop spying on me!”</p><p>“That’s a little hypocritical isn’t it?”</p><p>You swat at him but he dodges easily. “It’s not fair, Solas. You get the best of both worlds.”</p><p>“Life isn’t fair. As I’m sure you’ve seen.”</p><p>“Why isn’t it ever unfair in my favor?”</p><p>“Well, you get to see your Templar whenever you want.”</p><p>“Yes but I can’t talk to him, can’t even poke him in the eye.”</p><p>“I wish I could see you whenever I wanted.”</p><p>Your mouth drops open and he looks away.</p><p>“But you wouldn’t be able to talk to me.”</p><p>“That’s true.” He keeps his eyes averted.</p><p>“Or touch me.”</p><p>“Mhm.”</p><p>You put your hand on his cheek and turn him to face you. “Or do this.”</p><p>He vanishes before your lips touch.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not fair.”</p><p>You’ve said it many times before. Tasting chocolate, doing cartwheels, and so many other things you couldn’t do. You liked to complain, and he indulged you, mostly. </p><p>You’d expected it to drive him away, in the beginning. Everyone expects Desire to be a certain way. Tantalizing, perhaps. Ephemeral? It’s different depending on who, but you never quite lived up to it. Maybe because you didn’t want to. But Solas never expected you to be anything but yourself.</p><p>Of course, that didn’t stop him from the occasional reprimand, which you graciously accepted. As in, took no offense because you paid it no heed.</p><p>There is none today.</p><p>You weren’t seeing the Inquisitor make a move on your Templar. You weren’t reliving the hardest moments you’ve had with him.</p><p>You’re watching Compassion. You’d pressed your hands to the veil, felt it press back, a thousand times over. But you’d never gotten even a pinky through. Yet here he stands, all the way on the other side.</p><p>It’s not fair.</p><p>Solas says nothing, only looks at you with sorrow.</p><p>“How did he make it through?” You want to scream it, but you don’t. The Templar wouldn’t hear it anyway.</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>You storm up to Solas and grab his tunic in your fists. “How can you not know? You know everything!”</p><p>“I assure you I do not.” He looks at you in warning, but doesn’t pull away from your grip.</p><p>“You told me it wasn’t possible, not without possessing someone!”</p><p>“I truly believed it wasn’t. If I wasn’t seeing him with my own eyes, I still wouldn’t.”</p><p>“Then how?” Your fingers tighten even more, knuckles white. But when he wakes up, there won’t even be a wrinkle. You’re useless against the veil.</p><p>“The best I can guess is that he willed himself into being. His desire was so great-“</p><p>“Desire?” Your voice breaks and you let your hands slip off him.</p><p>“Wrong choice of words.” He wants to apologize, but he doesn’t know how.</p><p>You sink into the ground and drag your knees to your chin. “What’s so great about desire?”</p><p>He sits next to you and pats your head, as he always does when you need cheering up. This is the first time you’ve felt nothing at all.</p><p>“Desire is beautiful. It can drive the most complacent elf to success. It can make the sanest human crazy. There’s limitless potential in what you can inspire. There aren’t enough words to do justice to what you are.”</p><p>You let out a long sigh. “What’s the point of being beautiful if he can’t see?”</p><p>“Do things only matter if he can see them?”</p><p>You groan in frustration. Not this again. “Obviously not. If that were the case I’d simply cease to exist. Yet here I stand. Well, sit.”</p><p>“This exchange happens far too frequently, it seems.” He should be annoyed too, but he’s not. How does he manage to be calm and collected all the time?</p><p>“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”</p><p>He’s always been kind. But this seems slightly different. Sweet?</p><p>“I’ll be ok.” Because what else could you be? You’d watched the Templar nearly driven to insanity. You’d pounded against the veil for weeks that time. But he survived. And eventually thrived. And you? You’d watched. Feeling everything, while he knew nothing.</p><p>You know there was time before him, a life before him, but it seemed insignificant now. You just wanted to feel that luscious hair between your fingers. Feel that fur tickle your nose. Feel those lips-</p><p>You gasp as Solas leans over and kisses you. Softly at first, but you pull him closer and kiss him back. Then it’s not soft at all. By the time you both come up for air his lips look swollen.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>You barely hear him over the thrumming of your heart. You close your eyes so you can focus on memorizing his taste. When you open your eyes he’s gone.</p><p>“Solas!” You call out instinctively, but you know he won’t be back for a while. The last time you tried to kiss him he disappeared for a week. At least it wasn’t your fault this time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AAAAAAAA</p><p>DONT WORRY ITS NOT OVER YET</p><p>I’m romancing Solas this play through so I can have ultimate trespasser angst ( No spoilers please!!!!) and I’m having major Cullen withdrawals. I was a Qunari my first playthrough and decided to live the single life so now once again I’m flirting hopelessly with the Commander who doesn’t want me. </p><p>GAH</p><p>Sooooo Get ready for some major laughs n angst, Bucky style with some mindfucks thrown in</p><p>QUICK POLL 1 : WHOOOOOOOO SHOULD YOU END UP WITH</p><p>Raise your hand if you’d risk getting killed while summoned in the circle for Cullen. </p><p>Have a great week lovelies!</p><p>XOXO Bucky</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A more lighthearted chapter. Does this mean I’m off the angst??? Hmmmmm</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Leave a comment if you like!!</p>
<p>Xoxo Bucky</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Scraping. The unpleasant sound of metal against something that doesn’t want to give. You remember the chains around the Templar’s wrist, dragged against the ground. The sound of teeth against teeth, gnashing down so hard in an attempt to lessen the pain if only a bit.</p>
<p>Why is it dark? You try to stand but the ground is moving. You reach your hands out and they bump against something hard. The scraping sound is vibrating now. Not just in your head, but against your feet.</p>
<p>There’s a huge crack, and the sun seems to split the darkness in two. </p>
<p>“What the hell?! Why’s there a woman in this crate?!”</p>
<p>You tumble out onto your stomach and are greeted by two swords, connected to two confused guards.</p>
<p>“Are you some spy?! Answer me!” The louder one presses the blade to your throat. It feels like a different pain, not like a flame or anything used in the fade. </p>
<p>“Stand down!” Your Templar walks up and peers at you. “Who are you?”</p>
<p>“...” You try to answer but nothing comes out but a hoarse breath. You can’t believe he’s looking at you. At, not through. It makes up for the thousand cuts you feel in your throat.</p>
<p>“Where did you find this crate, soldier?”</p>
<p>“Out by the ruins, Commander. Next to the Venatori camp we cleared. We tried to hack it open but it wouldn’t budge. We thought it might have some magic seal on it, so we brought it back to camp.”</p>
<p>“Is that why you’re three hours late?! You were dragging a box here?!”</p>
<p>The loud soldier elbowed the quiet one. “I told you we should’ve left it!”</p>
<p>“I thought it might be some rare treasure!” He whispered back nervously.</p>
<p>Your Templar looks at the crate closely. “That’s ironbark. No wonder you couldn’t hack it open. The trek back must have helped loosen the joints.”</p>
<p>“So…” The loud soldier looks at your Templar with worry.</p>
<p>“So get this woman to a healer! I’ll deal with you later!”</p>
<p>“Yes, Sir!” The quiet one yanks to your feet and herds you to the tents.</p>
<p>You barely make it before everything turns dark again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why would they box a woman up?”</p>
<p>“They’re Venatori. They do weird shit.”</p>
<p>“I could understand killing. Or turning her into a slave. But putting her in a crate?”</p>
<p>“She would’ve died from thirst in a day or two. Maybe this was some sort of prolonged torture.”</p>
<p>“Don’t they usually just use chains and pointy things? Why waste perfectly good ironbark?”</p>
<p>“Don’t you have something better to do than stand around guessing, Varric?”</p>
<p>“I told you, you can read the sequel when it’s published, like everyone else does.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You wake up in the grass, the sun peeking out from behind some trees. Time has passed, though by how much you are uncertain.</p>
<p>“Here. Drink some water.”</p>
<p>You take the cup and down it immediately. It’s a salve against your papery throat. “Thanks.”</p>
<p>Your voice sounds thick and ugly. The melodious sound has been replaced by a plain, ordinary one.</p>
<p>You forget instantly when you see who handed you the cup.</p>
<p>The locks are more luscious than you can imagine. The stubble on his chin is wonderfully subtle. The scar is pink and set deeply in his face. You wonder if the ones on his back are as deep as this.</p>
<p>“Are you alright?”</p>
<p>You nod mutely and continue exploring his face with your eyes. He’s so...real.</p>
<p>You see his lips moving but you can't hear above the roaring in your ears. You dig your fingers into the dirt, feeling the soil crumble between them. You need to ground yourself, to make sure you’re where you think you are.</p>
<p>“Can you understand me?”</p>
<p>His words finally reach you. His voice is solid and clear, and you want to hear more. You can barely find words of your own.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.” That same thick sound, but it doesn’t matter because his is beautiful. “You’re just… so handsome.”</p>
<p>His cheeks turn a darker pink than his scar. “I...thank you.” He clears his throat loudly. “So what’s your name?”</p>
<p>“I don’t...remember.” What can you say?</p>
<p>He shakes his head in sympathy. “They must have overloaded your mind with lyrium.”</p>
<p>Lyrium. The only thing that ever brought people close to you. People, close… wait, Solas!</p>
<p>“I need to find someone. A friend.”</p>
<p>“Easy, now. You’re very weak right now.”</p>
<p>You scramble to your feet, only to fall flat on your face again.</p>
<p>“Now, what did I just say?”</p>
<p>You taste metal, feel something warm against your tongue.</p>
<p>“You just woke up and you’ve already split your lip open.”</p>
<p>You see the disapproving look on his face and it should sober you up. But you can’t help it. You laugh. The melody comes back a little.</p>
<p>He shakes his head but you see a grin peeking at the corners of his mouth. His laugh must sound lovely. You want to hear it immediately, but you hold yourself back.</p>
<p>“Get some rest. I’ll see if someone can jog your memory later.”</p>
<p>He walks away and it’s all you can do to not jump on him, touch every part of him, to prove to yourself he’s real. But you can’t stop yourself from grabbing his hand.</p>
<p>He snatches it away immediately, but the creases of his palm in yours is enough to send you face first in the dirt again.</p>
<p>“Oh, sorry. I didn’t- it was for balance wasn’t it?”</p>
<p>The metallic taste coats your tongue, and it’s so different from the last thing you tasted.</p>
<p>Solas. He has to be nearby. You stand up, slowly this time. “I’ll be ok.”</p>
<p>He huffs in irritation and pushes you slowly into a tent. “Rest. Now.”</p>
<p>Might as well wait for him to leave, so you can try going into the fade. You can search for Solas safely there.</p>
<p>“You really don’t remember your name?”</p>
<p>You look at the Templar slightly warily. Desire is not a good human name. “I do not.”</p>
<p>“Would you...like to pick a new one?”</p>
<p>You arch a brow at him. “Would you?”</p>
<p>“I don’t need a new name, I remember mine. I’m Cullen.”</p>
<p>You laugh again, and the ugliness goes away. You’re slowly finding your melody again. “I meant, will you pick a name for me?”</p>
<p>“Ah.” The pink creeps back into his cheeks. “I’m afraid I don’t, ah-“</p>
<p>“Just pick one, Cullen. Please?”</p>
<p>His grin finally comes. “Alright, how about (y/n)?”</p>
<p>“(Y/n). I like it.”</p>
<p>“Good. Now stay here. If I find you wandering about I’ll drag you back myself.”</p>
<p>“Ok, Cullen.” You love the way his name slides off your tongue, slips through your lips.</p>
<p>He must sense this somehow, because the pink darkens and he hastens away, bumping against the tent pole on his way out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Who are you?”</p>
<p>You linger in the fade for a moment, still looking for him, sniffing for his scent. Searching for his taste. It should be easier to find him now, but you can’t.</p>
<p>“Hello?”</p>
<p>You sigh and step back through the veil. Your first time through consciously. It feels like a soft breeze, instead of a glass prison.</p>
<p>“What do you want?”</p>
<p>“I…” He falters, not expecting resistance. “I’m Cole. I’m here to help.”</p>
<p>“Don’t need any.”</p>
<p>“Everybody needs it.”</p>
<p>That is such a Compassion thing to say. Still, it’s hard to be scornful to such an innocent face. “I’m fine, Cole. I’m sure there are others who need you more.”</p>
<p>“I can help you find your friend.”</p>
<p>“Rooting through my brain, are you?”</p>
<p>“It’s not like that.” He deserves it but you feel like you kicked a puppy. You shouldn’t be resentful, now that you’ve made it through too.</p>
<p>“He doesn’t want to be found. Otherwise I’d have already done it.”</p>
<p>“Hmm.” He looks at you pensively. You grab his hand as he waves it.</p>
<p>“Don’t.”</p>
<p>He looks at you in surprise.</p>
<p>“It’s better for me to remember and be sad I can’t find him, than to be happy because I forgot I cared in the first place.”</p>
<p>He nods slowly, and you appreciate it; how he wants to learn, even if it means being wrong.</p>
<p>“I understand. But I wasn’t trying to make you forget. I was waving at Solas.”</p>
<p>“Solas?!” You jump off the cot and try to push Cole out of the way. But he stands firm, and you’re still physically exhausted. You wait the long, agonizing half a minute before Solas comes into the tent.</p>
<p>“Sol-“ The rest of his name is muffled as Solas claps a hand on your mouth.</p>
<p>“Shh. They’ll suspect you if you’re not careful.”</p>
<p>You squeeze his hand to show him you understand. Cole vanishes as you usher Solas to the cot and sit next to him, enthralled.</p>
<p>“It’s good to see you, my friend.” He’s stilted and awkward, like he was when you’d tried to kiss him last time. You don’t tease him about it though, like you did last time.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe I made it through!”</p>
<p>“Desire is powerful.” You know what he means, but you preen anyway.</p>
<p>“But here I’m not Desire. I’m (y/n).”</p>
<p>He chuckles, the smooth, cool sound you’ve grown accustomed to. “Very well, (y/n).”</p>
<p>You settle against the cot, at ease at last. “So do I have to sneak around to find you now?”</p>
<p>“Not at all. They think I’m the best bet to help you regain your memories.”</p>
<p>“I hope they don’t expect me to know Venatori secrets. I don’t even know why I woke up inside that stupid box.”</p>
<p>“The important thing is you made it through.” He pats you on the head, and it feels nice again. “So you met your Templar?”</p>
<p>“I did.”</p>
<p>He waits for you to elaborate like the chatterbox you are. You don’t.</p>
<p>“It’s not what you hoped?” Your silence has worried him. It warms your heart to see him care.</p>
<p>“It’s more. So much more. I don’t have words to express it.”</p>
<p>“I’m happy to hear it.” A slight frown crosses his face as he says it, and you hasten to assure him.</p>
<p>“I’ll be careful. I promise.”</p>
<p>He looks at you gravely. “They won’t accept you if they find out what you are.”</p>
<p>The severity of it all should frighten you, but your giddiness is unchanged. “What am I, then?”</p>
<p>His frown turns into the gentle smile you know and love. “You are exactly who you are. Nothing less.”</p>
<p>The warmth in your chest grows and you put your hand on his cheek. He can’t vanish on you this time.</p>
<p>“Rest, (y/n).” He stands back up and your hand drops to your side. He crosses his arms so you can’t grab him again.</p>
<p>“But-“</p>
<p>“You need your energy to deflect the barrage of questions they’ll throw at you.”</p>
<p>“Let them try.” You can handle anything, if it means you can see him again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So you remember nothing?”</p>
<p>“Nothing. Not why they boxed me up, not even who they are. Not who I am.”</p>
<p>She’d been reading you carefully the whole time, through the million questions, and was finally satisfied.</p>
<p>“Alright. I believe you.”</p>
<p>How should you respond? Thank the Maker? Thank you?</p>
<p>“You may go now.” Evidently she didn’t care about your response one way or another.</p>
<p>You want to skip cheerfully all the way up to Cullen’s office, but you doubt he’d appreciate a stranger barging in on him. You’d already made him uncomfortable with your forward nature. He doesn’t need to know that you had, in fact, been holding back immensely.</p>
<p>You are not Patience or Tranquility. You are the epitome of wanting, and oh how you wanted him. Atop a horse, in the garden, on the dragon maw throne.</p>
<p>Really, you should be grateful you can even see him unhindered by ether. It’s a marvel how the barrier that had silenced your screams now melts at your touch. You can’t believe you’d risked stepping back through earlier; you’d been so elated and just had to share it immediately with Solas that you crossed over without thinking twice. If you’d gotten stuck you don’t know how you’d live with yourself.</p>
<p>But that’s how you’ve always been. Impulsive, giving in to every whim that flitted through your mind. You’d never seen a problem with it before.</p>
<p>This is too important to spoil with your unhindered urgency, your willful need. You are going to take your time, even if it kills you.</p>
<p>Seeing him stride across the grass with a quill nestled between his teeth makes the need almost too intense. You stare down at your feet so you won’t undress him with your eyes. Your mind pays no heed.</p>
<p>“(Y/n).” The way he says it with purpose, how it sits on his tongue briefly as it makes its way out of his mouth is hard to take.</p>
<p>You murmur a sound so he knows you’re listening.</p>
<p>“Solas was unable to help you regain any memories?”</p>
<p>You make an affirmative sound, not trusting your voice not to waver.</p>
<p>“What’s the matter?”</p>
<p>“Nothing.” You're able to keep your voice steady, but only by lowering the volume considerably.</p>
<p>He puts his hands on his hips and it looks so much more authoritative on him. “Did Cassandra scare you?”</p>
<p>“No.” She had been thorough and completely repetitive, but you’d felt no fear. Cullen doesn’t believe it though.</p>
<p>“Oh really? I think she did.”</p>
<p>“Did not.” You mumble, disagreeing.</p>
<p>“You can’t even look me in the eye now, when only yesterday you’d stared at me so hard your eyes practically fell out.”</p>
<p>You gasp indignantly. “I was not staring!”</p>
<p>He chuckles at the rise he got out of you and you feel insulted. No one gets the better of Desire. You reach forward and shove him roughly. He doesn’t even wobble.</p>
<p>“You’ll have to do better than that, (y/n).”</p>
<p>Drat. You can’t do anything magic-related or they’ll be suspicious. You consolidate all your energy and push him again. The only part of him that moves is his mouth, the smirk widening on his face. </p>
<p>“Well you’re definitely not a Venatori. No demon in their right mind would use you.”</p>
<p>Not every demon uses people, you want to retort. But he can’t know, or he’ll shun you. Get rid of you. Maybe even try to hurt you.</p>
<p>“I happen to have other uses, Cullen.”</p>
<p>“You can draw a sword then?”</p>
<p>“Who’s sword?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean who-“ His eyes widen as you hook your thumbs on either side of his belt. You let yourself fall when he steps back and pushes you away.</p>
<p>“(Y/n).” His disapproving look is back, the same save for cherry red cheeks.</p>
<p>“See I can move you even if you’re stronger than me.”</p>
<p>His frown changes as he helps you back up. “So that’s what that was about.”</p>
<p>“Of course!” Not. You provided yourself an opportunity to almost molest him. But he doesn’t need to know your dirty thoughts. Better for him to think you fight dirty.</p>
<p>“Well from now on keep your hands above the waist.”</p>
<p>“Noted.” We’ll see about that.</p>
<p>“Commander. I think it would be best not to stimulate (y/n) too much if we’re to have a chance at recovering her memories.” Solas steps in as the voice of reason. Otherwise known as party pooper. Or Sir Blueballs.</p>
<p>“Right you are. Why don’t you escort (y/n) to the mess hall. She hasn’t had anything besides healing herbs for at least a day.”</p>
<p>“Elfroot is delicious.” You return with a grin and Cullen’s lips twitch.</p>
<p>“Come with me.” Solas all but drags you there without even touching you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’re pushing it.”</p>
<p>You look at him crossly behind a loaf of bread. You’d get your hands on chocolate soon; for now this buttery crispy crust would more than satiate.</p>
<p>“This is me not pushing it, Solas.”</p>
<p>“Well you’ll have to reign it in more if you don’t want to-“</p>
<p>“To what?! Be discovered?!” You whispered the second half. Blueballs or not you weren’t going to give yourself away. “Nobody is going to think oh she’s so forward she must be a Desire demon.”</p>
<p>He looks at you closely. “One day here and you’re already labeling yourself as a demon. I thought you hated being called that.”</p>
<p>“I was being facetious.” You scowl at him, and you swear his eyes twinkle a little.</p>
<p>“Throwing yourself at him might not be suspicious in and of itself. But you will benefit from a lower profile.”</p>
<p>You rip off a piece of bread and offer it to him. He declines politely so you shove it into his mouth. “I wasn’t made for low profile, Solas. Give me a man and I’ll give you an attentive listener in return. Give me a crowd and I’ll give you back a captivated audience.”</p>
<p>He sighs, and it’s a nice sound. Not long-suffering. Understanding. “I want you to have that freedom. But we are no longer in the fade-“</p>
<p>“If you don’t stop fussing I’m going to kiss you.”</p>
<p>He freezes mid-sentence and you admire his open mouth. You remember how his lips looked when they were swollen, and lick your own subconsciously.</p>
<p>“I’ll let you eat then.” He retreats down the hall, leaving you to your thoughts. Still dirty.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Y’all didn’t think I’d keep you in the fade forever did ya? I’m not that evil </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Quick poll 1: as always, WHOOOOOOOOO</p>
<p>Quick poll 2: what part made you laugh?<br/>I love the idea of you finally crossing over yay! But right into a box. Super unlucky. Also hilarious </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Have a great weekend lovelies!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Without further ado lets get into this clusterfuck</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Walking around the courtyard, you try to think of some way to occupy yourself. Leisurely strolls are going to get old very quickly. As amazing as it is to see Cullen in true color, you can no longer afford to stare at him endlessly. Which is a fair trade, really.</p><p>Becoming a soldier is out of the question: though you’d be able to watch him more often, you do not like the idea of shedding blood. What’s the saying, I’m a lover not a fighter?</p><p>Well unfortunately right now you’re neither. What to do?</p><p>“You can help others.”</p><p>You don’t bother feigning surprise at Compassion’s sudden appearance. You’re more surprised that you were dumb enough to talk to yourself out loud.</p><p>“Thank you for the suggestion.”</p><p>He looks at you curiously. “You’re not scared of me.”</p><p>“A 20 year old boy? Why should I be.”</p><p>“I’m not 20.”</p><p>“And I’m not looking for suggestions. So off you go. There’s plenty of others that would benefit vastly better than me.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>You hold in a scoff. He’s not pretending to be thick, he just doesn’t know any better. “So why are you still here?”</p><p>“I’m trying to understand.”</p><p>“And I’m trying to get some exercise.” You set a brisk pace, hoping it will deter him.</p><p>Instead, he holds his hands out and blocks your way. “You’re not like the others.”</p><p>You curse under your breath. If Cole ruins this for you, you’re never going to forgive him. “Am I?”</p><p>“I can’t tell what you need.”</p><p>You snort. “Come now I can’t be the first person you couldn’t read.”</p><p>“It’s not reading.”</p><p>“Well whatever it is, it’s not going to work on everyone.”</p><p>“It has. Until now.” He’s annoyingly endearing. You’re annoyed at yourself for finding him charming.</p><p>“Is that so? So tell me, what does Cullen need?”</p><p>“More soldiers.”</p><p>“Can’t help him there.”</p><p>“You could become one.”</p><p>“I doubt one solitary troop is what he’s looking for.”</p><p>“How do you know? Maybe that’s what he wants. From you.”</p><p>This last part irks you. A lot. Stay in your own lane, Compassion. Handle your hurts, your pains, your needs.</p><p>Leave the wants to me. I know better. I’ll always know Desire better than you.</p><p>“Let me ask you this, Cole. What is it you want?”</p><p>“To help.”</p><p>You roll your eyes. “Too simple.”</p><p>“Wants don’t have to be complicated.”</p><p>“They always are.” You’re probably coming off patronizing right now, and you really couldn’t give a flying fig.</p><p>“See that soldier? He wants a drink of water.”</p><p>You walk a few feet towards the well, but Cole is already there and back. If he’s allowed to have powers why can’t you?! Then again he isn’t trying to get into anyone’s trousers. For now.</p><p>The soldier gives Cole a grateful smile and he smiles triumphantly at you. “See?”</p><p>You want to taunt him with your next words, but you’re not that cruel. “He needed the water. He didn’t want it.”</p><p>He furrows his brows. “He did want it.”</p><p>“He wanted beer.”</p><p>“That would dehydrate him.”</p><p>You sit down on the grass and point to the spot next to you. He hops down obediently, and again it annoys you. How disarmingly genial he is. “What people want isn’t always what they need.”</p><p>“That makes sense.” It’s always been your weak spot, being acknowledged. Being right. You won’t let him sway you though. “But it is still simple.”</p><p>“Why does he want beer though?”</p><p>“He’s thirsty.”</p><p>“That’s only part of it. He also wants the buzz it gives him, so he can temporarily rise above his pain. The pain of losing an arm, and the pain of losing his son to rogue Templars. He wants the nostalgia of a night at the tavern with his childhood friends, whom he has been separated from. He wants to believe they’re alive and well, but he doesn’t now. He can’t know for sure. So the beer will be in honor of them. He’s not drinking to forget like some. He’s drinking to remember, to soothe, and to keep moving forward.”</p><p>Cole looks at you hard, and you don’t flinch. You hold his gaze. Finally, he nods slowly.</p><p>“I’m starting to understand.”</p><p>“Good. Now leave me in peace.”</p><p>“One more question. How did you know?”<br/>
You resist the urge to slam him into the ground. The bastard would probably poof before you landed.</p><p>“No one will ever know 100 percent. But I’m pretty close.”</p><p>“That part I understand. But how-“</p><p>“Give her some space, Cole.” Your Templar shows up at the perfect time. Actually perfect would probably be 5 minutes ago. But practically perfect.</p><p>“Alright.” He disappears, leaving you with your knight in shining fur.</p><p>“Try not to indulge him too much. He will just keep going on like a terrible endless loop.”</p><p>You snicker and are pleased that he returns your smile. “Speaking from experience, Commander.”</p><p>“Hardly. I’ve got better things to do than slum around with demons.”</p><p>You strain your facial muscles so he doesn’t see your face fall. “And who, pray tell, do you slum around with?”</p><p>“Perhaps women who overreach at the meaning of a simple beer.”</p><p>You could try to rectify his ignorance, but it’s much less frustrating on him. Almost attractive, his reliance on face value. Probably because his is so devastatingly handsome. “Women, I see. How many?”</p><p>You’re rewarded with more cherry tinged cheeks. “I just meant…” he’s unsure how to climb out of the hole he dug for himself.</p><p>“However many there are, I’m glad to be counted among them.”</p><p>“No need to count. There’s only one.” He doesn’t say it out loud but he might as well have.</p><p>If Cole were here maybe he could help you figure out whether you just want, or actually need to kiss him right now.</p><p>You bite down on your lip so the pain can distract you from your wants or needs, whichever. The warm metallic taste teases you as you wonder how different it would be from licking his armor clean right in front of him. Because if you can’t put your mouth on him right now, you may not be able to resist licking what’s sitting against his chest. What’s covering those tender scars that you’d seen since their very creation.</p><p>You’d watched each lash split his skin, and thrown yourself between him and the sadist. Over and over, your cries so much louder than his. He’d been too brave to show any weakness, but you’d wept unabashedly. The pain of not being able to take the blows for him mirroring the pain of each brutal strike. You’d tried to lick them clean then, like a mama bear comforting her cub. You hold onto this memory to control the Desire rushing through you.</p><p>“Careful. You’ll burst the scab.” It’s strange how a categorically gross word like scab sounds so delicious coming from him.</p><p>“I’m a big girl. I can take it.” You lick your lips deliberately, cleaning up the blood from your purposeful bite. He’s unable to keep his eyes from watching each lick.</p><p>His next mental image makes you clench your fists tight in one last effort to control yourself.</p><p>His hands grabbing your hair from the roots, his view of the top of your head as you eagerly, almost desperately suck his-</p><p>“Hello Commander, (y/n). I found this tome about the effect of lyrium on memory. It might be useful-“</p><p>“Excellent idea!” You scramble to your feet and all but fly to the library.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I know I interrupted what might have been an intimate moment between you and your Templar but-“</p><p>“No, I’m glad you did.”</p><p>Solas looks at you curiously. “You’re not upset?”</p><p>“I am, but not at you.” You loosen your fists, noticing the crescent shaped indentations in your palms. “I should be better than this. I’m used to seeing it. Everyone’s deepest darkest cravings. But one flirting image of my mouth on his-“</p><p>“No need to explain.” The hint of pink in the tips of his ears helps the pounding of your heart recede.</p><p>“This is so hard.”</p><p>“I know.” He reaches to pat your head, his way of comfort. But his hand hovers without touching you.</p><p>You frown. Is he feeling distanced because you’re different now? You want to be exactly how you’ve always been, but it’s like a rock rolling down a cliff. You’re helpless to change. How can he fault you when you’re already having difficulty forgiving yourself?</p><p>“Desire is powerful. You can acquaint yourself with it, learn about it, grow to understand it. But no one will ever be untouched by it. You are no exception.”</p><p>“Even if I am it?”</p><p>“Even so.”</p><p>You exhale deeply. His wisdom is as deep as the blue in his eyes. “Thank you, my dear friend.”</p><p>His eyes flicker but whatever emotion passes too fast for you to recognize. “It’s easy to help you. You don’t ask for a solution. You only ask to be heard.”</p><p>“I’ve spent too long crying on deaf ears.”</p><p>“Well you will always have my pointy ones.”</p><p>You want to put your hand on his cheek again, but considering his hesitation in touching your head you doubt he’d appreciate you touching him more intimately.</p><p>Intimate. Here on the other side, it seems so taboo. Almost shameful.</p><p>Maybe you’d try a beer yourself.</p><p> </p><p>One swallow and you regret it immediately. You’re not sure what the average alcohol tolerance of a spirit is, but you definitely weren’t bumping that ceiling any time soon.</p><p>There’s a loud cackle from under the table. A freckled elf pops out, practically hysterical. “Your face! Priceless!”</p><p>“Don’t drink that.” Cole takes your mug and tosses it out the window. There’s a splash, a conking sound and a string of curses.</p><p>“Wow! And the prank gets even better!” The elf clutches her side in laughter.</p><p>“Prank?”</p><p>“She put salt in your drink.”</p><p>“Hey don’t get all judgey on me, demon. You do stuff like this too. I saw you put something in Leliana’s drink yesterday.”</p><p>“That was honey!” Cole glares at her indignantly.</p><p>“Whatever. It makes people happy. Maybe not the person getting pranked, but everyone else. So really I’m doing the same as you. Well, better.”</p><p>“How can you compare the two?!”</p><p>“Take it easy, kid.” A very hairy dwarf walks up and puts an arm around the two of them. “So you’re the new recruit. Thanks for dropping in. Since they actually dropped you off, in a box.<br/>
I’m Varric. This here is Sera. And you’ve probably already met Cole. Even if you don’t remember it.”</p><p>It feels almost like an ambush, how suddenly three people are in your face. The crowd of people around hadn’t bothered you, since you’re used to being in one. You’re just usually not seen.</p><p>“She remembers. She’s different.”</p><p>“Too bad. I wish I could forget you.”</p><p>“That’s mean.”</p><p>“And you’re weird.”</p><p>You decide to chime in, finally, if only to stop their bickering. “So that’s not what beer is supposed to taste like?”</p><p>There’s a round of laughs and you feel satisfied. It’s a nice change being the center of attention. Definitely preferable to being invisible.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello Cullen.”</p><p>“Stop looking at me.”</p><p>“Ok.” You go back to the book Solas had brought, as if you weren’t offended. What in the world?</p><p>“I mean- why do you?”</p><p>“Why do I what?” Normally you’d be delighted to chat with your Templar but you were tired of this flirty little dance. You’re not the spirit of Almost Having. Nobody is unlucky enough for that.</p><p>“Why do you look at me?”</p><p>“It’s customary to maintain eye contact during conversation.” You’re not sure if this comes off as playful or snappy. You’re also not sure if you care.</p><p>“Not the way that you do.”</p><p>“Why do I look at you the way I look at you?” You repeat it to him so he can understand why you’re getting annoyed.</p><p>“Nobody else looks at me like that.”</p><p>Fuck. He had you there. And you had no conceivable retort.</p><p>“Like what?” Hopefully this will buy you time to come up with a passable response.</p><p>“Like you want something.” There you go, a perfect out.</p><p>“People always look at you like they want something. Soldiers look at you like that when they want time off to visit their families. The Inquisitor looks at you like that when she needs more reports. Cassandra looks at you like that when she wants you to share military tactics.”</p><p>“How do you always know?”</p><p>“I didn’t realize we were playing twenty questions.” Finally you have the upper hand again.</p><p>“It seems like you always know what everyone wants.”</p><p>“I guess I’m a people pleaser. Something about abandonment issues perhaps.”</p><p>“Everyone has issues. But somehow you’ve developed a great compassion, so you’re able to put yourself in people’s shoes, and figure out what they need.”</p><p>Now you feel annoyed and guilty. “You paint a pretty picture. But knowing what people want doesn’t mean I’m compassionate. Or that I know what they need. If anything it’s more selfish. If I can get them what they want, maybe they can get me what I need.”</p><p>He crosses his arms and combined with his stern gaze it’s mesmerizing. “Don’t sell yourself short.”</p><p>“I’m perfectly content with my height.”</p><p>“You always have a handy quip ready, don’t you?”</p><p>You shrug. You’re tired of cute little responses.</p><p>“You know what drives me crazy about your look? It’s that I can tell you want something from me, but I can’t figure out what.”</p><p>You let out a long sigh. “Well you could always ask.”</p><p>“I just did.”</p><p>You stare at him. He’s right, but in your tiresome tango you didn’t even notice.</p><p>He’s studying you now, like there’s some sort of cryptic code when really it’s right in front of him.</p><p>You push him into the wall and kiss him fiercely.</p><p>His crossed arms are digging into your ribs as he half-heartedly resists. He’s definitely strong enough to push you away but he doesn’t. Instead he holds still, letting you do all the work.</p><p>The annoyance that’s been building inside you threatens to spill out. His passiveness when you’ve known for weeks exactly what he wanted.<br/>
He’s had you naked beneath him in his thoughts and now he’s not even kissing you back.</p><p>You pull away abruptly, not even enjoying the obvious kicked puppy look on his face. Your hand, however, betrays you and traces the scar above his lip. He’s had this once since before you can remember. The skin is so soft your own feels like bark.</p><p>“(Y/n).” Even if you were just a common run of the mill woman you’d recognize the desire in his voice.</p><p>But he doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t pull you into his arms, just keeps leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, a second layer of armor that you’d have to get past.</p><p>You wipe your mouth with the back of your hand, like you want to get rid of any lasting evidence of this failure of move.</p><p>Like he doesn’t taste of fresh snow and maple syrup, a taste so heady that it lingers on your tongue and in your mind long after you walk away without another word.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re upset.”</p><p>“Thank you, Lieutenant Obvious.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“I thought you could read anyone’s mind. Oh wait, you do not like the word read. I thought you could magically deduce everyone’s deepest darkest thoughts.”</p><p>“Not yours. All I know is I’m not the one you’re really upset at.”</p><p>You heave a sigh, trying simultaneously to be annoyed and not be annoyed at the adorable spirit. His naivety is laughable; his innocence, incredible. “I’m not apologizing. If you bother me when I want to be alone you can expect a rude reaction.”</p><p>“It doesn’t bother me.”</p><p>You turn away and kick at a stump, hopping in pain when your toe connects too hard. You’d meant to do it as an expression of annoyance, but you forgot how solid everything is.</p><p>Solid like the muscles in his arms, flexing against your chest. His stubble scratching uncomfortably at your chin. Your pelvis pushing against him to find, what, a sign that his thoughts about you are real? That he truly wants you?</p><p>“I see pain.”</p><p>“Yes. I am frowning. Possible glaring. Signs of intense negative emotion.” The annoyance rises in you once more. You’re so sick of everyone here. Cole, sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong. Cullen, pretending like he doesn’t feel anything.</p><p>Even Solas, closing himself off. You’ve seen the signs. He answers questions without making conversation. He spends time with you only to keep you out of trouble. For the first time since you met him, you find yourself trying to read him. You’d always given him his privacy, but now you actively try to peer inside him to try to understand. You’ve found nothing.</p><p>“I want to help, (y/n).”</p><p>“Then help.”</p><p>“I don’t know how.”</p><p>“Then don’t.”</p><p>“Tell me how.”</p><p>“This is a pointless exercise.”</p><p>He looks at you closely. You roll your eyes. He can look all day and he still won’t know.</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t come in unless you open.”</p><p> </p><p>You sneer at him. “I don’t need your help. I can take care of myself.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you don’t always have to.”</p><p> </p><p>You growl and push him against the trunk of a tree. It’s distinctively rougher than how you pushed Cullen.</p><p>“You know what I hate about you, Compassion? It comes so easy to you. Your pure intentions, your ability to find that need in everyone. Whether they know it or not, they need you.”</p><p>“I-“</p><p>“And me? I’m fucking drowning in all this yearning, half of which I can’t fulfill, and most of which I shouldn’t. What’s my purpose then? To help them? That’s not why I came. I’m not like you. I’m not a goddamn fairy godmother, granting everyone’s wishes. I came for the most selfish of all reasons.</p><p>To get my own desire fulfilled.</p><p>And I don’t think I can.”</p><p> </p><p>You’re breathing heavily and gripping his shoulders so tightly your knuckles are white.</p><p>He doesn’t flinch. Is he unable to feel it, did his nerves vaporize when he crossed over?</p><p>Can he show you how?</p><p>“I think I know how to help.”</p><p>He lifts you up easily and swings around so your back is against the tree now.</p><p>Your sneer drops slowly. You like how this feels, like you’re light as air. You’re not some big ugly troll, someone it would be embarrassing to be seen with. To admit being attracted to.</p><p>“Thanks, kid.”</p><p>“Don’t thank me yet.”</p><p>His kiss is so soft that it almost tickles. When your feet touch the ground again, he’s already gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AHAHAHA CLIFFIE</p><p>QUICK POLL 1 : WHOOOOOO</p><p>Quick poll 2: what line gave you feels???</p><p>Ok mindfuck I had to throw Cole in there I just love him too much</p><p>I also had to quote his mage timeline opening line</p><p>It makes me think on more than one level</p><p>Thanks for reading lovelies! I’ll keep trying to update regularly!</p><p>Xoxo Bucky</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy thanksgiving my American readers!</p><p>Here’s another installation with some of that sweet sweet angst we love. Enjoy! Leave a comment if you liked!</p><p>Xoxo Bucky</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Solas.”</p><p>“Hmm?” He looks up from his scroll and looks concerned. “Something is bothering you.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“There is. I can always tell.”</p><p>“What does it look like, then?” Maybe he could explain it better than you. Confusion, frustration, surprise, overlapped with the ever present desire.</p><p>He gazes at you thoughtfully, quiet for a moment. If it were you, you’d have spouted out three possible theories by now, but he is calm and rational, as always. “You look tired.”</p><p>Your shoulders sag and you feel like crumpling into the ground. But that would probably look strange. “I am.”</p><p>“It can be overstimulating here at times. Even for me, and I’ve always lived here.”</p><p>“How do you handle it?”</p><p>“You’re looking at it.”</p><p>You walk over and he hands you the scroll. Five words in you give it back. “Give it a chance, (y/n). It’s a really good story.”</p><p>“Why read about it when I’ve already seen it happen?”</p><p>He raises his brows. “I wasn’t aware this was based on a true story.”</p><p>“It’s about the author’s brother.”</p><p>“So his sister in law left his brother for him?”</p><p>“Yes. It was messy. That’s why the woman and her first love are described beautifully, whereas her second lover is portrayed as an opportunistic bastard. I assume.”</p><p>“It is as you say.” He looks at you with interest. “You saw this first hand?”</p><p>“I see a lot of relationships. Part of being Desire, I guess.”</p><p>“Do you remember all of them?”</p><p>You nod slowly. “More or less. Some of them blur together after a while. But I recognized this one immediately.”</p><p>“It is one of my favorites as well. I guess this means I have good taste.”</p><p>“I never said I liked it,” you tease. His lips curve upwards slightly. You haven’t seen him grin big in a while. Not that he usually shows a lot of emotion.</p><p>“How did you recognize the story?”</p><p>You laugh softly. “Those five words have been burned into my soul. His immense self-hatred amazed me, considering he had gotten exactly what he wanted. So many people spend their lives chasing that which they can’t have. And there he was, with the woman of his dreams, and he has the audacity to say </p><p>It shouldn’t have been me.”</p><p>He laughs with you, and it brings you joy seeing his face so happy. </p><p>“I’m sure you know by now that people can be ashamed of their desires. So much so that when they actually get it, they can’t enjoy it. Much less appreciate it.”</p><p>He’s probably being his usual wise self, and not making commentary on your recent disappointment. But you appreciate it either way.</p><p>“Yes, it’s complicated, being me.”</p><p>He pats you on the head without hesitation, and you love the solid feeling of his fingers.</p><p>You just don’t love enough to stay.</p><p> </p><p>“(Y/n).” He’s said your name in varying tones of disapproval. This is the lowest yet. “Why are you snooping in my office?”</p><p>You hadn’t heard his footsteps. You should have asked Cole to do it, or used your powers to do the same, but you wanted to do it right and proper like a real person would. “I heard the Inquisitor say you had chocolates hidden away. The best ones in Thedas.”</p><p>He frowns at you, the crease reaching the corners of his soft lips. “Yes I’ve hidden them for a reason.”</p><p>“You’re not going to share.”</p><p>“They’re hard to find. I’m giving them to my sister.”</p><p>You don’t pout, because you’re not sure it will sway him. You’re not wasting a cute look on him.</p><p>He sighs loudly and puts his hands on his temples.</p><p>Headache. That’s right. Withdrawal. In your selfish quest for satisfaction you’d forgotten the pain he’d hidden away. You’d been looking forward to seeing the scars under his shirt, you forgot that he carries some inside. The torture didn’t end when the shackles came off.</p><p>So this is the shame of your desire. You want him to please you, but you might not be able to please him.</p><p>You couldn’t take the pain for him then; you might not be able to ease the pain now. Even on his side of the veil.</p><p>“I’ll leave.”</p><p>He grabs your hand as you pass him on the way out. “I’m not angry at you. I’m just a little short tempered today, from feeling under the weather.”</p><p>You shake your head. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have violated your privacy.”</p><p>“I might not mind you violating certain things.” He looks at you smugly. Your eyes widen unintentionally.</p><p>“I’ll let you get back to work.” You tug your hand away from him and try to make a quick exit.</p><p>“Wait.” Your feet stop without your permission. “I suppose she won’t mind if there’s one missing.”</p><p>“If you break the seal they might get stale fast.” Your voice is uncharacteristically squeaky.</p><p>“Guess I’ll have to send them via carrier pigeon.” His grin makes you dizzy. “I didn’t peg you for a glutton.”</p><p>“Excuse me?!” Your lightheadedness clears immediately.</p><p>“Digging through the Commander of the Inquisition’s effects for candy? How would you characterize that?”</p><p>Your pout slips out. His grin widens; he likes it. You feel a tremor run up your spine. You hasten to defend yourself. “If you’ve never tried something, wouldn’t you want your first taste to be the best?”</p><p>His eyes widen, bigger than yours. “You’ve never had chocolate?”</p><p>“Never.”</p><p>He rummages under his desk and you hear a clicking sound, as he pulls something out of what seems to be a hidden compartment. “Here.”</p><p>“You have a safe for chocolates?”</p><p>“I told you, they’re hard to find. Very. Hard to find.”</p><p>The gold foil glints, tempting you. You keep your hands at your sides. “Save them for your sister.”</p><p>“I’m offering. It would be rude to say no.”</p><p>You feel the gluttony now, wanting to stuff your face full. Not with chocolate though. “It’s ok.”</p><p>He smirks and fuck, it’s sexy. “Eat one.”</p><p>“Only if you feed me.” It comes out instantly, as your feet carry you over to him.</p><p>His smirk grows as he unwraps one deliberately slow, pressing it onto your lips before he pops it into your mouth.</p><p>You clamp down on his fingers, not hard enough to hurt but enough so that they’re trapped. You lick them gently as the chocolate melts on your tongue, a sweet, sticky indulgence. He keeps his hand there as you suck on the chocolate and his fingers at the same time, down to the last swallow.</p><p>“Well?” He tries to speak normally, but his voice is husky.</p><p>“Delicious.” Your own voice is thick, but not ugly at all. Alluring.</p><p>Your eyes lock and you can see images of the two of you, passionate and hot and tangled up together.</p><p>Then he snatches his fingers back and sticks them in his pocket. “Right. Well I have a lot of work to do.” He looks down at his papers and says no more.</p><p>You linger a bit through the silence, admiring the waves in his hair, the curve of his neck, and all the way down to his ankles, straining against the laces of his boots.</p><p>It won’t be so detailed anymore when you’re seeing him in the fade.</p><p>“I’ll just...go.”</p><p>He doesn’t bother replying, and that’s just as well.</p><p> </p><p>“Cole.”</p><p>He jumps at your voice and falls off the roof in surprise. Before your shock even hits he’s by your side again. “Did you just-“</p><p>“I’m fine.” Good to know that spirits can survive 3 floor drops. Not that you’d be testing that theory  anytime soon, or ever. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“I didn’t realize you owned these tiles.”</p><p>“It’s not safe.”</p><p>“You’re here safe and sound.”</p><p>“Yes but I just fell off.”</p><p>You snicker. “Well I’m more careful than you. And more aware. I made a huge ruckus climbing up.”</p><p>“I was focused.”</p><p>You lay back comfortably, since height wasn’t going to be an issue. “The new healer?”</p><p>“Yes. I’m having problems finding the right words for her. It’s more quiet here, so I can think properly.”</p><p>“Can’t you just make her forget if you do it wrong?”</p><p>He shifts uncomfortably. “The Inquisitor told me not to anymore.”</p><p>“Hmm.” Having to get it right the first time must be a lot of pressure for him. </p><p>“She means well. Even if she doesn’t understand.”</p><p>“Well if you can’t figure it out soon, you can stick a knife in your leg.”</p><p>He gapes at you in horror. You realize the confusion and hold in a laugh. “The healer, she likes helping. And she fancies you.”</p><p>“...I see.”</p><p>“It’s unorthodox hurting yourself, I know. But romance makes people do strange things.”</p><p>“But I don’t-“</p><p>You nudge him with a toe. “You can’t hide it from me, kid.”</p><p>He looks away, embarrassed.</p><p>“Take it slow, and if you lose interest don’t lead her on.”</p><p>“Lead what?”</p><p>Your lips stretch into a grin. “Don’t pretend.”</p><p>“I won’t.” His simplicity is endearing. You’ll miss it. You doubt he can make it back the way you do. There’s no lingering smell of the fade on him.</p><p>But you can admire it from the other side, as you will with all the good things. Cullen’s smile, Solas’s hands.</p><p>You’re not saying goodbye. To any of them. You don’t want them to remember you leaving, as anything other than fully present and completely engaged. No one is going to get less than all of you.</p><p>But as the one who’d made you feel the most satisfied in your time here, you feel you owe Cole something.</p><p>“Anyway, I just came up to say thanks.”</p><p>“Thank you, too. For teaching me.”</p><p>“I’ll...I’ll see you around.”</p><p> </p><p>This is why you don’t do goodbyes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>AAAAAAAAAA</p><p>Thanks for reading! Leave a comment if you like!</p><p>Quick poll 1: as usual WHOOOOOO</p><p>Quick poll 2: which part gave you feels</p><p> </p><p>Have a great weekend lovelies!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’m still mad at Solas but I need to be nicer to my readers so here is another chapter that has minimal angst</p><p>Leave a comment if you like!!</p><p>Xoxo Bucky</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You enjoy the gentle breeze as you slip through the veil.</p><p>The difference is instant. </p><p>The colors are soft pastels, like the tavern looked after a non-salted beer. Which was not as terrible tasting as the salty version, but definitely an acquired taste, which you were content not to acquire.</p><p>The cacophony is milder. The shouts of the recruits are slightly muted, the groans of the wounded less wrenching.</p><p>And the sharp edges are gone. You break into a run, no longer feeling the pounding against your joints. No cartwheels, but jumping directly through two horses and a Warden more than makes up for it.</p><p>Now to find some more interesting things to see. You’d been in Skyhold long enough. Hard to believe you’d spent all your time watching over the Templar in the past.</p><p>Maybe one last peek for the road.</p><p> </p><p>You see him stride out of his office and admire his powerful gait. You can definitely forgive yourself for your previous immense attraction.</p><p>You trot alongside him as he rushes through his rounds, then inexplicably checks every single room.</p><p>You’re about to leave when he runs into Solas. Ah, time to enjoy your favorite elf’s voice, made extra dulcet by the veil.</p><p>“Solas, have you seen (y/n)?”</p><p>“Yes, earlier in the afternoon.”</p><p>“What about in the ah, last few hours?”</p><p>“No, but it’s almost dinner. She’s most likely in the kitchen tasting soups.”</p><p>“I’ve already looked there. I’ve looked everywhere.” He sounds impatient and annoyed. Good thing you’d high-tailed it out of there.</p><p>Solas looks calm as usual, but you know him well enough to recognize the slight suspicion in his voice. “Is something the matter?”</p><p>“I- She- Just, if you see her tell her to come find me.”</p><p>“I will.” Solas’s eyes narrow ever so slightly.</p><p>You decide to spend the rest of the day in the previous decade. </p><p> </p><p>But old habits die hard. The very next day you’re back in Cullen’s office, watching him pore over some papers.</p><p>The chocolates are still on his desk in plain sight. Maybe he’d exaggerated about how rare they were.</p><p>“So are those for everyone, then?”</p><p>Cullen looks up startled as the Inquisitor walks in.</p><p>“The what now?”</p><p>She points to the box and he quickly moves them out of reach. “They’re for my sister.”</p><p>“Sort of rude to have them open in plain sight and not offer any.”</p><p>He coughs nervously and you feel the raw tension surging through the room. She doesn’t want the candy. She wants him. And who could blame her?</p><p>“As the Inquisitor I could order you to give me one.”</p><p>He chuckles. “In which case I’d have no choice but to obey.”</p><p>“I could order you to do a lot of things.”</p><p>He inhales sharply and you see it. Her hands grabbing the fur collar for leverage, to get the perfect angle. </p><p>For a second their fantasies are merged, same faces in different positions and you back away to give them privacy, and yourself a break.</p><p>Then his thoughts break away and you see your own lips stained in chocolate, making their way to his mouth.</p><p>You screech and sprint out of there to the Free Marches.</p><p> </p><p>You spend the next three days following a pair of Wardens in the fourth blight. It's a heartbreaking story, but since you know that their child lives a rather carefree life thanks to their sacrifice, it’s a bittersweet experience, not unlike how the chocolate tasted.</p><p>When you make your way back to Skyhold, you’re ready to watch the Inquisitor and her Commander fall in love. Or at least, finally submit to their shared desire.</p><p>You are not, however, ready to get yelled at by Solas.</p><p>“Where the hell have you been?!”</p><p>You stare at him in confusion. “Exploring.”</p><p>“Without a word to any of us? To me?!”</p><p>“I always explore when I’m bored!” You don’t know why you’re getting defensive. Maybe because he’s being unreasonable aggressive.</p><p>“Since when?! You’re always at Skyhold!”</p><p>“Are you daft? I leave every night!”</p><p>He stares back at you for a long moment. “...at night?”</p><p>“What, did you think I always watched Cullen sleep?”</p><p>“Well...yes. That’s what you did before you crossed over.”</p><p>You snort. “I most certainly did not.”</p><p>“Oh? Then why is his sleeping form embedded in my memories?”</p><p>“Because he’s handsome?” You watch the anger drain out of his face as a smile forms.</p><p>“We spent most of my nights watching him.”</p><p>You sighed in exasperation. “No, we spent most of our nights talking. Together. We just happened to be in his room.”</p><p>He thinks for a bit. It’s fun to watch him try to hold a straight face while the gears turn inside his head. “I always thought you enjoyed watching him sleep.”</p><p>“I am not that boring.”</p><p>“Well one could hardly accuse Desire of being boring.” He winks at you and it absolutely floors you. He’s never playful. “But why there then?”</p><p>“Well that’s where you found me the first time.”</p><p>He stares at you some more. “So you waited for me there? Every day?”</p><p>You want to whack him. “How else would you find me? You may be an expert fade traveller in your social circles, but I do live here.”</p><p>“Considering my social circle consists mostly of spirits I can’t say I’m the expert.”</p><p>“I wonder why we put up with a novice like you,” you tease.</p><p>“Because I’m handsome?”</p><p>It’s your turn to pat him on the head. “Absolutely.”</p><p>“So when you were on our side, you’d cross over at night?”</p><p>“What, only you’re allowed to do it?”</p><p>“What if you’d gotten stuck?”</p><p>You shrug. “It wouldn’t be the end of the world.”</p><p>He looks at you seriously. “But it took you so long to make it through.”</p><p>“What’s the expression, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fade?”</p><p>“Something like that.”</p><p>“It really is. Darker green and scratchier.”</p><p>His worried look comforts you somehow. “You didn’t enjoy being here?”</p><p>“I’m glad I got to experience it. But I’m also glad it’s over.”</p><p>He sighs, though you’re not sure why.</p><p>“I’m glad you got to experience it too, (y/n).”</p><p>“Thanks. Oh, I don’t need that name anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>“You forgot to send these.”</p><p>Cullen shouts in surprise as Cole materializes under his desk. “Get out from under there!”</p><p>Cole obliges and hands him the chocolates.</p><p>“Why is everyone obsessed with these?!”</p><p>“Well they are the best.”</p><p>Cullen groans and stuffs them back into his drawer. “How many times do I have to tell you not to go through everyone’s personal belongings?!”</p><p>“I was looking for (y/n).”</p><p>Cullen stiffens at the mention of your name. “And you thought she’d be under my desk?!”</p><p>“No, but I sense her most strongly here. I was hoping-“</p><p>Cullens squints at him. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Well I couldn’t find her with my eyes. So I’m trying-“</p><p>“Not that. Why here?”</p><p>Cole looks at him, questioning. “You don’t know?”</p><p>“Maker’s breath! Of course I don’t! That’s why I am asking!”</p><p>Cole sighs in disappointment. “You don’t know. She felt so strongly and you didn’t even know.”</p><p>Cullen clears his throat. “Well maybe I knew a little. So you can really sense her...interest?”</p><p>“Interest?” Cole looks at him strangely, before it dawns on him. “Not directly. She’s better with the wants than me. I can only feel her pain.”</p><p>Cullen narrows his eyes. “What pain?”</p><p>“You can ask her yourself. Once I find her.”</p><p> </p><p>“That really is a bittersweet romance.”</p><p>“Isn’t it?” You’re glad Solas was able to follow you all the way to the fourth blight. </p><p>“Thank you for sharing it with me.”</p><p>“I’m just excited you can make it this far. There is so much out here that I want to show you!”</p><p>He sighs and you can tell it’s from sadness. “Unfortunately I can only go as far as my imagination allows.”</p><p>You don’t feel any sting of disappointment. “Then we will go anywhere it can take you, together. Until you get sick of me, anyway.”</p><p>He clicks his tongue. “I won’t get sick of you.”</p><p>You cross your arms. “Really? Then how come you went off on your own every night when I was with you on your side?! You didn’t even notice I’d explored on my own. For all you knew I was moping around in Skyhold by myself while you went into the Fade without me.”</p><p>“That- I- We-” He sputters for a bit before you put him out of his misery.</p><p>“Everyone needs alone time. To recharge. I understand.”</p><p>He grasps at words for another minute before he relents. “Regardless, I will not get sick of you.”</p><p>You beam at him happily. “I’ll hold you to it!”</p><p>“As you should. And I would love for you to wait for me in Skyhold. Just not in Cullen’s room.”</p><p>“That’s a tough call. You know, sometimes he sleeps in nothing but-“</p><p>“The library. Please wait for me in the library.”</p><p>“Every night?”</p><p>“Every night. For as long as you’ll have me.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>FLUFF WITH SOLAS!!!!</p><p>So I mean since you’re a desire spirit and not the Inquisitor I should at least give Solas a chance to redeem himself in our eyes</p><p>Also threw in some Cullen-rejects-Inquisitor because that happened on my first run as a beautiful unappreciated Qunari </p><p>Quick poll 1: WHOOOOOOO</p><p>Quick poll 2: who is someone you HAVE to have in your party? Mine is Cassandra Bc shes a tank and I love her lawful-good-but-still-badass energy</p><p>Have a great week lovelies!!</p><p>Xoxo Bucky</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Fluff must to be followed by angst. Spicy angst.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ok this chapter is spicy and angsty. I don’t do much explicit work, but things can get smutty and I’m not sorry about it.</p><p>Also playing as a female dwarf in my new game so Cullen friendzones me so let’s throw in some Cullen angst. </p><p>Enjoy lovelies!! Merry Christmas Eve !</p><p>Xoxo Bucky</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s a loud crash as the door of Cullen’s office swings open.</p><p>“Testing your aim again, Commander?”</p><p>“Inquisitor!” He curses his luck. “My apologies-“</p><p>“I’m sure the door deserved it.”</p><p>He covers his face with his hands. “To see me like this, twice-“</p><p>“Hey.” She walks over and puts a hand on his shoulder. “I told you I’d support you, no matter what. If the lyrium is-“</p><p>“It’s not the lyrium. Although now that you mention it, it definitely doesn’t help.”</p><p>“I’m sorry I brought it up.”</p><p>Cullen hastens to apologize but she shushes him. “I told you I’d be here for you, Cullen. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”</p><p>He walks over to the door to clean up the splinters. “It’s nothing.”</p><p>“Considering you just threw your very rare chocolates so hard the box shattered, I call bullshit.”</p><p>He sighs heavily. “I was going to give them to her. Now I’ve missed my chance.”</p><p>She looks at him in alarm. “Something happened with your sister?”</p><p>He shakes his head. “They were for someone else. A woman. I…” He doesn’t know how to continue.</p><p>The Inquisitor nods in understanding. “That’s why you haven’t responded to my advances.”</p><p>It’s his turn to look alarmed. “It’s not- I wouldn’t-”</p><p>She waves him away. “I’m waging war against an archdemon. I can handle getting rejected over a schoolgirl crush.”</p><p>He laughs awkwardly as she gives him a nod and walks away.</p><p>“That went well.”</p><p>“Damnit Cole! The next time I see you in here you’d better have found (y/n). Otherwise I’m going to flog you alive!”</p><p>“But I don’t understand what that means-“</p><p>“Out!”</p><p> </p><p>“HI Solas. How was your day?”</p><p>“Interesting.” You motion for him to come along, but he stays put. “Have you thought about closure?”</p><p>“Academically, quite often. So many people want it when a relationship ends. Why? If it’s over, it’s over. What’s the point in getting the perfect words? It’s unlikely you’ll hear what you need in order to move on. It’s more unlikely you’ll say what they need to hear for both of you to move on.”</p><p>“So you wouldn’t need it?”</p><p>You give him a strange look. “Why would I?”</p><p>“If I stopped coming to see you, you wouldn’t need it?”</p><p>“Hey! You said you wouldn’t get sick of me!” You complain vehemently. Normally his hypotheticals are interesting, but this is unnecessary and borderline hurtful.</p><p>“Indeed I will not.”</p><p>“Then why are you asking?!”</p><p>He looks closely at you. “Because I might need it.”</p><p>You put your hands on your hips. “I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>He looks at you earnestly. “After you left… I wasn’t sure if you had crossed back over or not. Cullen all but drained the nearby lakes looking for you. I took so many sleeping potions trying to look for you in the fade, they thought I’d succumbed to a coma. I-“</p><p>You try valiantly but fail at not bursting into laughter. </p><p>“It’s no laughing matter.” He looks at you severely.</p><p>“What did you tell them? To explain why you’d taken so many potions?”</p><p>“I told them I was looking for a friend. The Inquisitor was surprisingly supportive.”</p><p>“How magnanimous of her.”</p><p>He raises an eyebrow at you. “Jealousy doesn’t suit you.”</p><p>You blow a raspberry. “Does it suit anyone?”</p><p>He looks away now. Not at the admittance of fear of losing you. Just at this. “If not even you, then no one.”</p><p>You grin and squeeze his shoulder. “You and your honeyed words.”</p><p>His smile is gentle as always. “So where are you taking me today?”</p><p>“I’m going to show you my favorite example of closure.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry Sir, but there’s just been no sign of her. We’ve searched everywhere.”</p><p>“Well then search again!”</p><p>“I don’t know that we should be spending our resources on such a frivolous-“</p><p>One of the soldiers elbows the outspoken one, but it was the terrifying look on Cullen’s face that silences him.</p><p>“Search. Again.”</p><p>“Yes, Sir!”</p><p>They hurry away, arguing amongst themselves under their breaths.</p><p>“Well that’s why you’re the Commander.”</p><p>Cullen turns to see the Inquisitor observing with a wry smile.</p><p>“I’m not above a little intimidation myself.”</p><p>He remains silent.</p><p>“About their current task-“</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Cullen cuts her off. “I know it’s not strictly Inquisition business but those soldiers are useless on the field in their current state of training anyway so I figured they could spend a few days looking-“</p><p>“If it’s important to you, we will get it done.”</p><p>His stoic look softens a bit. “Thank you.”</p><p>“It is rather disconcerting that one of our own can disappear without a trace like this. Nobody remembers seeing her leave. Is it possible she used some sort of spell? Teleportation perhaps?”</p><p>“Dorian or Vivienne would’ve sensed something of that magnitude.”</p><p>She looks at him pensively. “How much did we know about this woman? Aside from the fact that Venatori felt it necessary to throw her in a box?”</p><p>His face hardens again. “We can ask her once we find her again.”</p><p> </p><p>You clasp your hand over your heart. You’ve seen this story so many times but it never fails to touch your soul.</p><p>“So what did you think?”</p><p>Solas says nothing at first, as is his nature.</p><p>“Liked it? Loved it? Hated it?”</p><p>“A bit of all three.”</p><p>You feel the smallest twinge of disappointment. It’s hard sharing something you love and seeing a less enthused reaction. “Elaborate, if you would.”</p><p>He grins, knowing you’re dying for more of a response. “The woman was lovable, but I felt like the man didn’t deserve her. Made it a bit hard to enjoy their romance.”</p><p>“Yes, yes.” You continued impatiently. “What about the ending?”</p><p>“That was the part I hated.”</p><p>You gasp dramatically. “That’s the best part! He finally understands how she feels!”</p><p>“Yes, after he’s lost his last chance to be with her.”</p><p>“Well, that’s what closure is sometimes. You realize it’s time to move on.”</p><p>He cocks his head. “Is that why you left?” He’d waited until now to ask you, and you appreciated that.</p><p> </p><p>“I just...I felt like it was time to grow up.”</p><p> </p><p>He looks at you with sincerity. “Elaborate, if you would.”</p><p>“I always thought I just wanted him. Any part of him. To see him up close, to hear his laugh, anything. But once I was on the other side, whatever I got, wasn’t enough. I don’t know if he didn’t want to give any more, or if he simply couldn’t.</p><p>And what if it wasn’t just him, what if it were also me? That I couldn’t give him what he needed? Because I know what he wanted, and Maker knows I could give it to him, perfectly. Maybe that wasn’t enough either.</p><p>Too many variables there to solve. So I decided to move on.”</p><p>He takes it all in, with no snap judgements. He waits to see if you have any last minute additions or corrections. But you’re done.</p><p>“The reason I asked about closure earlier, wasn’t just for me. I think Cullen needs it too.”</p><p>You cross your arms across your chest. “Closure is overrated. You said as much after watching my all time favorite relationship!”</p><p>He gapes at you, and you’d be amused if you weren’t so indignant. “That’s your favorite?! But he didn’t deserve her! And they went their separate ways! Him, having only just begun to realize her love, and her, broken-hearted and despondent.”</p><p>You sigh and put your hand on his shoulder. </p><p>“Love isn’t always equal. You don’t always get what you put in. You should, but you almost never do.</p><p>She loved him whole-heartedly, unabashedly. Yet even she knew when it was time to let go. And he? He who never appreciated it, who seemed too ignorant to know what love even is? Somehow starts to learn. Not fast enough for her to stay, but growing even the tiniest bud is a miracle when you didn’t think the seed could be planted.”</p><p>He doesn’t understand, but you can tell he’s trying, and that’s the most anyone can ask for.</p><p>“So do they end up finding love again, either of them?”</p><p>“Well, my dear, you can find out tomorrow. It’s time to wake up now.”</p><p>“I look forward to it.” He reaches his hand and rests it on your head. You remember the feeling from the other side, the weight of it, and you miss it like you knew you would. “And you, you think about saying a proper goodbye, alright?”</p><p>You thank your lucky stars that he wakes up before you have to answer.</p><p> </p><p>“(Y/n).” Even dulled, you can hear the longing in his voice.</p><p>“(Y/n).” His breath hitches in his throat as he hooks his thumbs on his belt like you did that time.</p><p>“(Y/n).” It’s a whisper now, and he checks to make sure all the doors are locked now.</p><p>His belt drops to the ground and he makes short work of his trousers.</p><p>You’ve seen glimpses of him nude before but this: it’s too much to take.</p><p>His moans are too hard to resist; you need to hear them without the pesky veil in the way.</p><p>All the heartache, from feeling unimportant, unwanted and unloved flies out the window.</p><p>You leap out of the fade and rip his shirt straight down the middle.</p><p>“(Y/n) what the fuck?!”</p><p>You see the shock, relief, fury and joy fight their way across his face. And of course. Desire.</p><p>You jump onto him and wrap your legs around his waist.</p><p>“Where have you been?! How did you get in here?! I thought I locked-“</p><p>You cut him off by mashing your mouth against his. He tries to pull away at first, but you sink your fingers into his hair and hold his head still so you can get the perfect pressure. And he feels it too, that it’s just the right combination of rough and sucking and licking, and you feel him twitch between your legs.</p><p>You pull on his hair a little, dirty and disheveled like the rest of him, and it’s absolutely intoxicating. You can’t help but moan into his mouth and you feel his smirk as he kisses you back, holding you up easily with his strong arms.</p><p>Getting cocky? We’ll see about that!</p><p>“So you were thinking about me?” You let your legs loosen so you can rub against him up and down.</p><p>“Every day.” He whispers it desperately, and you feel yourself falling.</p><p>“Prove it.”</p><p>Any and all dirty talk is erased from your mind as he lays you onto his desk and thrusts into you so hard the safe rattles open.</p><p>“Almost forgot.” He grabs a chocolate and slips it into your mouth.</p><p>You bask in the bittersweet taste until you cum.</p><p> </p><p>“I looked for you, like mad.” He murmurs in your neck as you ease yourself off the table.</p><p>“I didn’t know how to say goodbye.” You reply quietly.</p><p>“Why did you leave me?”</p><p>“I thought...you didn’t want me anymore.” It’s true enough; you’d known how much he wanted you, but the fact that he was unwilling to act on it pretty much voided the sentiment altogether.</p><p>“I hope I’ve convinced you of the contrary.”</p><p>You lean forward and rest your cheek on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Fast, strong, just like he’d been when he was inside of you.</p><p>“The way you practically vanished, I almost thought you were a mage. But you’re not, are you?”</p><p>“I’m not.”</p><p>“That’s too bad.” You look up at him in surprise. “A drop of blood and I’d be able to track you. You’d never disappear on me again.”</p><p>Well, that seems a little morbid. You scrape your teeth down his torso, enjoying his hiss of pain.</p><p>“Easy, there.”</p><p>“You’d spare a drop of blood for me, wouldn’t you? So I can keep an eye on you too?”</p><p>He chuckles and it vibrates against your face, and you feel that need come back, as fast as it had left earlier. “It doesn’t work like that.”</p><p>“Why not? Because you no longer take lyrium?”</p><p>He steps back and you lose your balance, falling forward on your knees from your half-bent position. “How did you know about that?”</p><p>“Word travels fast, Commander.”</p><p>He tilts his head. “It’s strange to hear you call me that.” He reaches forward to help you up but you rock back onto your heels, away from him.</p><p>“You don’t like it?”</p><p>“It’s different.”</p><p>You smirk at him, admiring him from this angle. “I thought maybe you’d enjoy a little authority.”</p><p>“Authority? I-“ He forgets whatever he was going to say when you take him into your mouth slowly.</p><p>“Do you? Enjoy it?”</p><p>He tries to find the words but groans instead.</p><p>You slide your tongue from the tip all the way to the shaft as he tangles his fingers in your hair, his turn to get the perfect amount of pressure.</p><p>“Commander?”</p><p>You both freeze at the sudden knock. It takes him more than a few seconds to finally answer. “What.”</p><p>“We just finished another search. There’s no trace of her.”</p><p>“Alright.” He looks down at you with a sly grin and you return it right back. “Dismissed.”</p><p>“Shall I report to the Inquisitor as well?”</p><p>“I’ll do it myself.”</p><p>He waits for the footsteps to recede before letting out a sigh. Frustration, relenting, satisfaction, all swirled together. “Let’s get you dressed.”</p><p>“Now?” You lick your lips slowly and you see the conflict in his eyes.</p><p>“Loathe as I am to say it, it’s best we go see the Inquisitor now. She’ll want to know how it is you snuck away without anyone noticing. There must be gaps in security that should be rectified.”</p><p>You sit back on your haunches and gaze at him, and he looks at you with so much yearning it leaves you breathless.</p><p>“We will get back to this the second we are done, (y/n). I promise.” He untangles his hands from your hair and reaches a hand out to help you up. You ignore it.</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>He looks at you curiously. “Why not?”</p><p>“I want to be able to come and go as I please.”</p><p>You expect him to be annoyed, but he finds it cute. “It’s for your own safety, my dear. You don’t want to end up in a crate again, do you?”</p><p>You’re relatively certain that will never happen again. “I’ll be careful.”</p><p>He rests his hand on your head, and it feels different somehow than when Solas does it. “I’m afraid you don’t have the luxury anymore.”</p><p>“Freedom, you mean?” You move your head away and get up on your own.</p><p>“I don’t understand why you’re upset. We saved you. This is the least you can do.” Now he’s actually annoyed.</p><p>“I thought if anyone could understand, it would be you.” You turn and walk away.</p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?!”</p><p>“That’s why you stopped, isn’t it? So you wouldn’t be on a leash?”</p><p>“How dare you?!” He thunders as he grabs your shoulder. “You could never understand why. And it’s none of your business. Now come with me so you can explain yourself to the Inquisitor.”</p><p>You jerk away. “I have nothing to say.”</p><p>He crosses in front of you to block your way. “What are you hiding, (y/n)?!”</p><p>Your voice cracks. “You don’t want to know.”</p><p>The anger in his eyes changes to concern.</p><p>“Whatever it is, we can fix it. We can help.”</p><p>You walk to him and trace your finger over the scar on his ribcage. He looks down and clears his throat. “We should probably get dressed before we head over.”</p><p>You dip your head down to run your tongue over it, like you wanted to that day.</p><p>“(Y/n). Please.” The words are right, but the meaning isn’t. </p><p>“Do you remember when you got this, Cullen?”</p><p>He clenches his fists tightly without realizing it. He stays quiet.</p><p>“I wanted to be there. To take that strike for you.”</p><p>His fists loosen slightly. “Nobody should have to go through that. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.” His voice falters. “Especially not someone I care about. This much.” He whispers the last two words, sending a jolt from your toes to the top of your head. You can barely continue.</p><p>“And when I couldn’t, I wanted to clean that wound. If I couldn’t make it disappear, I would make it heal.”</p><p>He grits his teeth, remembering the blinding pain. He says nothing.</p><p>“Let me make it better.”</p><p>And he won’t fully understand, because how could he? </p><p>But as you lick the scar slowly, like you’d wanted to when you saw it happen, he sighs with pleasure.</p><p>It’s enough, at least for now.</p><p>And even though you want him to remember the feel of your legs clenched, the sensation of your lips around him, to remember calling you ‘my dear.”</p><p>You look into his eyes and make him forget it all.</p><p>So you can escape the questions, to avoid the undeniable truth.</p><p>That you’re a demon, who has no business being with a Templar.</p><p>Who has no right to interfere with his life.</p><p> </p><p>“She was here. Earlier.”</p><p>“We’ve established that, Cole. Her scent or whatever is strongest here.” Cullen was grumpy from getting intruded on, but at least he had been decent when Cole popped up. He’d just had the most erotic daydream and he’d gotten his hands dirty, in a manner of speaking. Maybe in more than one manner.</p><p>“Sense. I’m not a dog. And I meant more recently than that. Maybe today, even.”</p><p>“You can’t be serious.” He looks at Cole with suspicion. “I’ve been in here all day.”</p><p>“Well so was she. Probably.”</p><p>Cullen crosses his arms. “Must be something wrong with your nose.”</p><p>“I’m not smelling her!” Cole glares at him reproachfully.</p><p>“Fine, whatever.” Cullen points to the door. “I don’t want you coming in here and messing with my things anymore.”</p><p>“When I’m in here, it’s almost like she’s with us again.” Cole’s shoulders sag as he speaks. “You’re not the only one who misses her, you know.”</p><p>“Maybe not.” Cullen looks away. “But this is my office. Now get out.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Soooo not only does Cullen get fucked, he has also gets fucked over by you making him thinks it’s only a daydream. Not sorry!</p><p>Quick poll 1: whooooooooooooooooo</p><p>Merry Christmas Eve, lovelies! Wishing you all angst and fluff, whichever you like best!</p><p>Who in their right mind would choose angst over fluff? Oh right, me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Our journey through the veil comes to an end</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So did any of you ask Santa for an angsty ending to this fic? Cause Santa Bucky delivered ;)</p><p>If you expected a happy ending then you probably don’t know me very well</p><p>Happy holidays lovelies!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Solas enters the fade to find you lying facedown on top of a bookshelf.</p><p>“Everything alright?”</p><p>“No. Yes. I don’t know.”</p><p>“Well, good to cover all the bases.”</p><p>His dry humor boosts your mood enough for you to sit up. “Do you think I made a mistake crossing over?”</p><p>He looks at you curiously. “I thought you enjoyed it.”</p><p>“I’m Desire, I can find something to enjoy anywhere.” You reply crossly. “Stop avoiding the question.”</p><p>He motions for you to come down. You slide off the bookshelf and plop facedown on the ground instead. “How about you talk about what’s really bothering you.”</p><p>“I will after you answer my question.”</p><p>He settles onto the ground beside you. “Spirits aren’t meant to come out of the fade. That being said, I think it’s good you were able to experience life on the other side. Even if it was disappointing.”</p><p>You sigh heavily, your breath bouncing against the ground and coming back into your mouth. “Things were simpler before. But I was probably more unsatisfied having never touched him. Compared to knowing his touch but having to make him forget mine.”</p><p>Solas narrows his eyes. “You made him forget? Why? Last I checked he still remembered you.”</p><p>You hasten to reassure him. “Not completely, I know that would complicate things. Just that we were ever intimate.”</p><p>“You were?!” Solas looks alarmed and disappointed. “I thought I told you to be careful!”</p><p>His disappointment somehow hurts a lot more than the Commander’s. “I resisted as long as I could!”</p><p>He makes a visible effort to calm down. “What’s done is done. I can see now why you left so suddenly.”</p><p>You want to tell him that’s not why you left, that it hadn’t happened the first time you crossed over. That you went back because you saw Cullen pleasuring himself while calling your name because even through the veil his actions were so much more vivid than his thoughts. But aside from the fact that Solas would be permanently scarred from such scandalous news, you really don’t want him being more disappointed in you. </p><p>He’d looked at you in a lot of ways, and not always positively. But disappointment was the worst.</p><p>Perhaps you are indeed a bit of a glutton, though. In this case, for punishment. “Do you still think my crossing over wasn’t a mistake?”</p><p>The question is begging for a yes, to push the blade of your decadent pain deeper.</p><p>He looks at you thoughtfully, not answering at first. “What I think doesn’t matter.”</p><p>“It does to me!”</p><p>He smiles faintly. “You care about my opinion, because you care about me. I’m touched. But what’s important, is what you think. Do you think it was a mistake?”</p><p>You pout, because he’s right and it’s annoying. He pats you on the head, and you realize you’re starting to forget how that felt on the other side. Melancholy washes over you.</p><p>“What matters more (y/n), is what do you want to do about it? Or really, what will you do about it?”</p><p>Even when the words annoy you, his voice in the Fade is familiar as always, comforting. </p><p>“Very well Solas. But stop calling me (y/n). Cullen picked that name and I think it’s best I stop thinking about him. Or at least, I should put that out-of-Fade chapter behind me.”</p><p>“As you wish.” Solas is back to his non-judgemental nature, and you’re glad.</p><p>You love how obliging he is. You ask for his opinion, and he gives it. If you don’t want to hear it, he won’t force it on you. If he wants something, he will go get it. “Solas, if there’s any desire I can help you fulfill, I will do my best. Always.”</p><p>He smiles gently. “I know. Now would you like to wallow a bit more or can we go?”</p><p>“Considering I’m your best guide here, I’d be nicer if I were you.”</p><p>“Anything you say, my dear.”</p><p> </p><p>“I hate to say it, Cullen, but I think you need to give up.”</p><p>He clenches his fists, before wincing. He’d cut himself on his nails apparently, though he didn’t remember when. He must have been making fists unconsciously, and often. How else could he break the skin?</p><p>“Let me see.”</p><p>He hesitates, before reaching forward with his palm up. They stare at the red half-moons together. “That’s not healthy.”</p><p>“Just a scratch, Inquisitor. Nothing to worry about.”</p><p>“As a side effect of a bigger issue, it is. Just how much pressure have you been under?”</p><p>He pulls his hand back and runs it through his hair. It’s more disheveled than he remembers. “Our recruits haven’t been making as much progress as I hoped.”</p><p>She raises an eyebrow. “We both know that’s not why.”</p><p>He looks away. “I won’t let it interfere with my duties, I swear.”</p><p>“It’s not the time or resources spent that bother me. But false hope...it’s tiresome.”</p><p>“I…” He’s struck silent by the look on her face. It’s too real, too familiar for him.</p><p>“I would never ask you to forget. And I don’t want to order you to stop. I just need to know that there will be an end to this, one way or another.”</p><p>He looks her straight in the eye. “There will be.”</p><p>“Good.” Because if she can do it, he’d better be able to, too.</p><p> </p><p>“(Y/n)!”</p><p>You jump up, turning around guiltily. It was nobody’s business that you took naps on Cullen’s bed. Just because spirits don’t need sleep doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to rest. Plus it smelled like him even through the veil. Wait, the veil?!</p><p>“Cole?!”</p><p>He sprints over and tackles you. “Oof! What are you doing?!”</p><p>“Seeing if it’s really you and not just a memory.”</p><p>“It’s really me.” You try to push him off but he sits on your chest with his arms crossed. </p><p>“So this is where you were all this time. No wonder I could sense you lingering. I thought it was just your memories.”</p><p>You push him again but he crosses his legs to consolidate the weight. “Get off!”</p><p>“Not until you promise not to run away.”</p><p>You scowl at him. “I did NOT run away. I simply went home.”</p><p>“Chocolate stained lips, hands pulled away, leaving first so you won’t feel abandoned.”</p><p>You raise your fist in warning. “Get off my chest and get out of my head!”</p><p>“He can’t love you the way you want him to.”</p><p>You drop your fist with a thump. You’re a lover not a fighter. Sort of. “I’m not looking for love, Cole.”</p><p>“Everybody is, whether or not they know it.”</p><p>“Oh? Including you?”</p><p>He bops you on the nose. “We are talking about you right now.”</p><p>“While we are on the topic of you being wrong, that is also not what I want.”</p><p>“It is.”</p><p>You’re silent for a moment, gathering your strength. Then you finally buck him off so he lands hard on his ass. “You’re insightful, Compassion, I’ll give you that. But if you fight me about wants, I’ll win every time.”</p><p>He sits there for a second in thought, before it dawns on him. “You are Desire.”</p><p>You smirk. “Took you long enough.”</p><p>“That’s why I couldn’t find you. You were in the fade this whole time.”</p><p>“Right-o.” You give him fake applause, still grouchy about being squashed. Oh and the whole wanting love thing.</p><p>“It’s pure luck that I found you.”</p><p>“Yes, it is. I wasn’t aware you could cross back and forth like me. I figured yours was a one way ticket. I should’ve been more careful.”</p><p>“I don’t normally. The veil is thinner here, so I accidentally slipped through.”</p><p>“Huh.” You’d probably worn it down a bit from pressing against it all this time.</p><p>“I wonder what made it so thin.”</p><p>“Nobody really knows.” Well he doesn’t need to, at any rate.</p><p>“It’s good to see you, (y/n).”</p><p>You smirk again, but he’s looking at you intently in the most innocent way possible. It’s horribly endearing. “Well you’ve seen me. Off you go now.”</p><p>“Why did you leave?”</p><p>“Didn’t you figure that out by yourself?” You ask snootily.</p><p>“Yes, but I should give you an opportunity to say it in your own words.”</p><p>You sigh heavily. “She’s a good influence on all of you, the Inquisitor.”</p><p>“You don’t need to be jealous.”</p><p>“I’m aware it doesn’t suit me.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Never mind.” Despite being less “spirit-y”, Cole was still naive.</p><p>“I meant that you don’t need to be jealous because Cullen doesn’t feel the same way about her as he does you.”</p><p>You could be a brat and say technically that could mean he loves her whereas he only lusts after you. But if that were the truth, you wouldn’t want to know anyway. As such, you’re pretty sure he means that Cullen is interested in only you. Since you certainly hadn’t caught him jerking off to the Inquisitor. </p><p>“Thanks, I guess. For telling me. You can go back now.”</p><p>“Not until you answer my question.”</p><p>Well isn’t karma just a bitch.</p><p> </p><p>“I was hoping I could pick your brain over something, Solas.”</p><p>“Yes, Inquisitor?”</p><p>“Is there any way for someone who’s lost their memories to regain them?”</p><p>Solas looks at her with concern. “Did Cole try to erase some of yours?”</p><p>She laughs easily. “He’s been plenty busy looking for his friend. I think as much as it annoys him, Cullen appreciates it too.”</p><p>“I see. Might I guess that this person is who you’re referring to in the case of lost memories?”</p><p>“You’re a sharp one. Perhaps you can enlighten me.”</p><p>He smiles. “Everyone suffers from memory loss in one way or another. The conversion of short term to long term memory in and of itself is imperfect. I would hazard a guess that if the mind isn’t severely damaged, important long-term memories can be recovered. Unfortunately, the how remains a complete mystery.”</p><p>She nods slowly. “So it’s possible this (y/n) remembered her old life. And left with the intent of not being found.”</p><p>“And not coming back.” Solas finishes the thought for her. “Yes it’s quite possible.” He gives no opinion, and reveals nothing. He’s always had the self-control that seemed to elude you.</p><p>“Hmm, that puts me into a bit of a dilemma.”</p><p>“If it makes things easier, the Commander might not even find her, making the choice of whether or not to make her return academic.”</p><p>“I can always count on you to be logical.” She doesn’t ask him how he knew Cullen was searching for you; at this point she’d be more surprised if he didn’t. She’d be surprised if the whole Inquisition didn’t know.</p><p>“I try my best to be.”</p><p>“I wonder if there’s anything that can make you lose your firm grasp on reason.”</p><p>“Let’s hope we never have to find out.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>“If you do you’ll feel better.”</p><p>“I doubt it.” Compassion can be so annoying sometimes.</p><p>“You will.” For example, the self-assuredness is very annoying.</p><p>“Fine. If you swear that you won’t tell anyone where I am, what I am, then I will answer.”</p><p>“The answering is for your own good. I already know why.” The self-righteousness is also very annoying.</p><p>Two can play at this game.</p><p>“You’re not the only one who knows things. Things that have no business being spoken aloud.”</p><p>He furrows his brow. “I still don’t understand why people don’t say things. Life is easier when everyone says what they want.”</p><p>“So you think it’s good Seeker Lambert told Rhys what you were?”</p><p>Cole frowns. “It doesn’t matter. It happened. Now I’m with the Inquisition. It all turned out well.”</p><p>“Now who’s not answering the question?” You taunt.</p><p>“Don’t talk about them. They were my friends.”</p><p>“But people should say things.” You mimic with a smirk.</p><p>“Stop.” He glowers at you.</p><p>“Make me.”</p><p>He growls and rushes you.</p><p>You wait until he’s a millimeter away to teleport away.</p><p>You gasp in surprise as he reappears right next to you. “Don’t try it, (y/n). I’m better at that trick than you.”</p><p>“That’s not my name, Compassion.”</p><p>“And my name is Cole.” He drags you back to the bed and sits you down firmly.</p><p>“What’s the matter? Did you want a turn too?”</p><p>“A turn at what?” He looks at you confusedly.</p><p>“That’s a good point, are you even anatomically correct here?”</p><p>He shakes his head.</p><p>“So that’s a no?”</p><p>“It’s an expression associated with negative emotion.” He mimics back and you smile despite yourself. “I’m putting you where you’re most comfortable-“</p><p>“You calling me a harlot?”</p><p>He ignores your interruption.</p><p>“So you will be more open to telling the truth.”</p><p>You could continue avoiding him, but he was wearing you down. Not just with his sitting on you and pestering you, but the actual caring. Was it because he was the essence of caring? Or was it also because it was you?</p><p>You heave an exasperated sigh. “I left because he wouldn’t say what he wanted. I mean okay everyone’s desires are complicated, but he<br/>
wouldn’t even let me know one single little goddamn thing. And the sad part is I know everything that he wants. So, fine, I give it to him anyway, even if he doesn’t ask. But it’s not enough. </p><p>I don’t fit in, Compassion. I don’t belong there. It’s like being in a box again but instead of ironbark it’s their rules and definitions. Am I a demon or a spirit? Am I a threat or a marvel? Which label will they brand me with, if they find out?</p><p> </p><p>But I am more than just Desire, Cole.</p><p>I am me.”</p><p> </p><p>He looks at you intently, like he knows it’s taking a lot out of you to admit all this. He says nothing for a bit, just sits down next to you and taps his heel against the bed frame.</p><p>You lay down and settle into your comfortable napping position.</p><p>Your eyes are closed when he finally speaks again.</p><p>“Maybe he will tell you if you ask him.”</p><p>You open one eye to give him a grumpy look. Leave it to Compassion to oversimplify everything. “Ask him what, exactly? Hello Commander do you want to fuck me? You do? Well yippee!”</p><p>“Even I know the answer to that question.” His matter-of-factness is endearing. “Ask him if he cares about you. Ask him what he would do if someone close to him turned out to be a spirit.</p><p>“You can’t ask the first without sounding like an insecure little ninny. And the second will be far too suspicious.”</p><p>He lays down next to you. You can tell he’s trying to understand, he thinks maybe if he does what you’re doing he can get into your mindset. Naive as always. </p><p>Again, two can play at this game.</p><p>You roll over and sit on his chest.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>“We’re switching roles, right? Putting myself in your shoes.”</p><p>“It’s uncomfortable.”</p><p>“Now you know what it feels like.” You say as you blow a raspberry at him.</p><p>“I don’t think it’s the same.” He looks at you with a serious expression.</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“I was keeping you from leaving. You’re just trying to get a rise out of me.”</p><p>You quirk a brow at him. “Can you even ‘get a rise?’ Physically?”</p><p>“What?” </p><p>“Nevermind. Double entendres are no fun with you.” You sigh. “Well, if you ever want to find me again, you can just come here. I’m usually around anyway.”</p><p>“Or you can just come back.” His stubbornness is terribly cute.</p><p>“You know why I left, now, so don’t ask me again.”</p><p>“I know why you left, but I also gave you a solution for you to come back.”</p><p>“And what happens if both the answers to those questions are bad?”</p><p>“Well then just make him forget. And if it still hurts, make yourself.”</p><p>You gape at him, not sure how to even reply. Fortunately, you don’t have to.</p><p>“Get off him!” Unfortunately, it’s because Solas stumbles in on the two of you. You realize now it’s a very awkward position. And it must look very condemning.</p><p>“Don’t be mad, Solas, she was just trying to show me-“</p><p>“I know what she was trying to show you.” Solas marches over and drags you off the bed. “And neither of you have any business doing any of that!”</p><p>“It’s not what it looks like-“</p><p>He doesn’t give you a chance to explain either. “Haven’t you messed around enough? I understand if you want to fool around with the Templar, but Cole is one of you. There’s no telling what will happen if you make him feel-“</p><p>“Feel what?” Your voice has gotten icy. “Like a person? Because only people are allowed to want?”</p><p>“That’s not what I meant, (y/n).” His voice softens, but it’s too late.</p><p>“Don’t call me that. I wouldn’t want you to accidentally humanize me.” You say, toneless, before disappearing.</p><p> </p><p>“I have a letter for you, sir.”</p><p>“Put it in the stack on my desk.”</p><p>“It’s from Lady (y/n), sir.”</p><p>“Give me that!”</p><p>He rips the envelope open and reads it hurriedly. When he speaks again, it’s cold. “Call off the search. When the recruits get back, tell them to join us in training starting tomorrow.”</p><p>“Yes sir.” This soldier was a veteran and knew better than to ask any questions.</p><p>“Close the door when you leave. If anyone asks, I’m not available today.”</p><p>“Yes sir.”</p><p>As soon as it’s shut, Cullen clicks the lock in place. He resists the urge to kick it in anger.</p><p>“She lied.”</p><p>“Maker’s breath, get out Cole!” If there was any time one would be justified in throttling Cole to death, it would be now.</p><p>“She didn’t want to leave. She’s not happier being away.”</p><p>“I told you not to go through my things!”</p><p>Cole looks at him in confusion. “You just got it. I read it right after it was written. It wasn’t your thing yet.”</p><p>“That’s not the point! Wait.” He glares at Cole in suspicion. “How did you see it first? Do you know where she is?!”</p><p>“Yes. No. Sort of.”</p><p>Cullen takes a deep breath. “I’m only going to ask you once. Where. Is. (Y/n).”</p><p>“I told her I wouldn’t tell.” Cole says solemnly.</p><p>“Listen here, demon-“</p><p>“And she doesn’t want us calling her (y/n) anymore.”</p><p>Cullen glares at him for a bit longer, before sighing heavily and looking away. “She’s washing her hands of us, isn’t she?”</p><p>“Not us. You.” He waits for Cullen to snap at him, but the Templar says nothing. Just clenches his fists together, before deliberately loosening them. “Why didn’t you tell her you liked her?”</p><p>Cullen shakes his head. “It wasn’t a good time.”</p><p>“She knew you wanted her. Maybe it would have been easier if she didn’t. But she did. And every day she waited for you to say something, and every day you didn’t, it hurt her a little. Until the hurts built up and she gave in. And after that, it hurt more every day you still didn’t. Then it was too much and she left.”</p><p>“Shut up. You don’t know anything.”</p><p>“I do. And she did too.” It dawns on him now, and suddenly he’s angry. “It’s your fault. It’s your fault she’s gone. You and Solas.”</p><p>“What are you talking about?!”</p><p>“What’s the point of wanting something, someone, if you don’t say it?” </p><p>Before Cullen can answer, he disappears.</p><p> </p><p>You settle down in Darktown half a century in the past.</p><p>Watching the rise and fall of various underworld bosses helps the sting pass. Gold, power, pride, in an endless cycle.</p><p>You could make yourself forget, but why should you? You weren’t so weak you couldn’t handle a little rejection. You weren’t so tied to your role as a spirit of one singular emotion that you couldn’t understand anything else.</p><p>Who says that spirits can only exist as reflections of what people think and feel?</p><p>Solas was wise, but he didn’t know everything.</p><p>And he was limited in the fade. He wouldn’t find you.</p><p> </p><p>“Solas, May I speak with you for a moment?”</p><p>Solas looks up in surprise. It’s unlike Cullen to socialize, let alone with an apostate. “Sure.”</p><p>“It’s, ah, about (y/n).”</p><p>Solas holds in a sigh. Why did everyone come to him about this? Maybe he was more annoyed with himself not having the answers. “What about her?”</p><p>“Cole said something strange the other day.”</p><p>“That seems pretty normal.”</p><p>“Yes and normally I’d just ignore it and move on but...well with her it’s different. I can’t just let it go.”</p><p>“I’m surprised a small thing like this can sway the Commander of the Inquisition.”</p><p>“Yes it goes beyond reason.” A small, sad smile crosses his face. “But everyone has their limits. She’s my weakness; I can’t be logical about her.”</p><p>“I know exactly what you mean.” Solas mutters under his breath. He clears his throat. “How can I help?”</p><p>“Cole made it seem like… you knew her well? Do you know where she might be, perhaps somewhere we haven’t thought of searching.”</p><p>“If I think of something I’ll let you know.”</p><p>“Thank you. At this point any new ideas would probably only come to me in my sleep.”</p><p>You’re more right than you know, Solas thinks to himself.</p><p> </p><p>Well, it looks like the smugglers will come out on top this year.</p><p>Frankly you’re more interested in watching the mercenary captain’s daughter seduce the rival gang leader.</p><p>He has a scar on his upper lip. It doesn’t suit him nearly as much as-</p><p>“(Y/n).”</p><p>Holy hell, it’s like you thought about him so hard you’d willed him into existence. Or at least pulled him by his dreams here.</p><p>“...Cullen?”</p><p>He stares at you for a moment, and try as you might your stupid legs won’t move.</p><p>“I’m dreaming, aren’t I?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Good.” He storms over and raises his palm. You squeeze your eyes shut and mentally prepare yourself.</p><p>“Maker’s breath I’m not going to hit you!” You peek one eye open and see he’s pulling off his glove.</p><p>“I-“</p><p>“I want to feel you without the fabric in the way.”</p><p>A shy smile breaks out over your face. “You’re not mad?”</p><p>“I most certainly am!”</p><p>Your heart drops and you look away.</p><p>His skin is cool and rough as he cups your face with his hand and turns you to face him. “I’m mad at myself for letting you go.”</p><p>You lower your eyes. “To be fair, you couldn’t have stopped me.”</p><p>“I could’ve made it so you’d want to stay. I wanted to. I...I wanted you. I still do. I should’ve said so earlier.”</p><p>Your laugh cracks. “Better late than never.”</p><p>“I want to say it to you in person. When it’s real.”</p><p>You place your hand on his and feel his knuckles flex against your touch. “This is real. For me.”</p><p>He chuckles and you love the low rumbling sound. “Are you just saying what I want to hear because I’m dreaming?”</p><p>You have so many things you want to say, but for him this is temporary, fleeting. He doesn’t know how genuine this is for you.</p><p>But at least you can let him remember this time. “Are you going to keep talking or make a move?”</p><p>He laughs and you lean into him so you can feel it vibrate against you. “Close your eyes.”</p><p>You oblige, keeping them closed even after your lips meet.</p><p>You expect the kiss to be eager and hungry, making up for lost time. Instead, it’s soft and sweet, his tongue patient and waiting.</p><p>You bite down on his lower lip and slip yours in between his lips when he gasps.</p><p>But you force yourself to go slow, taking your time to explore every inch of his mouth.</p><p>By the time you pull away, you’re both panting.</p><p>“(Y/n)...” the name sounds so good on his tongue. You let it go.</p><p>He lowers you onto the ground and tucks you under him so you feel warm and safe. “(Y/n) do you-“</p><p>“Yes.” He bites down on his lip, pressing his hips against yours. The slow grind makes you moan.</p><p>“Mmm, Solas.”</p><p>He freezes and stares at you. You stare back at him unflinchingly.</p><p>“Are you saying that to hurt me?”</p><p>“No, you idiot, I know it’s you!”</p><p>He gawks at you in surprise, before the facade fades and he’s himself again. </p><p>“How did you know?”</p><p>You laugh and he winces, before realizing it’s not a bitter one. “A girl never forgets her first kiss.”</p><p>“First?”</p><p>You pout. “You don’t remember?! You were comforting me…”</p><p>“Of course I remember!” He replies immediately. “I’m just...surprised you do.”</p><p>You lace your fingers behind his neck and pull him down. “You tasted so good. I could never forget.”</p><p>He looks ashamed. “I’m sorry I wasn’t honest. I just wanted you to hear what I know he’d say if he had another chance. In his voice. I-, “</p><p>“Are you going to just keep talking, Solas?!”</p><p>He grins and presses his forehead against yours. “Do you want me to stop? Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you.”</p><p>“I think that’s my line.”</p><p> </p><p>In direct rebellion of spirits embodying just one emotion, you’re scared.</p><p>You’ve felt fear before, of course. When that despair demon chased you around for a solid week until it got bored.</p><p>When that young mage was sent to the Harrowing way too early and<br/>
almost got possessed by said demon. Although more so than watching a child murdered, you were scared that Cullen having to cut her down would break him permanently.</p><p>When they sliced him open too close to an artery and he almost bled out.</p><p>Obviously there’s a common theme here.</p><p>Somehow this is the most tangible terror you’ve ever experienced.</p><p>Maybe because you could feel it physically; in the cold hard wood pressed against your fingers, the fresh smell of grass in your nostrils, the thumping of builders’ hammers in tandem with your heartbeats.</p><p>You knock, the hollow rap belying the stutter in your throat.</p><p>“Enter.”</p><p>You push the door and it pushes back, as everything does outside of the Fade. The ground against your toes as you inch forward, the wind against your face as the door swings open, the deathly glare on his face against your tentative smile.</p><p>This isn’t how you wanted to do it. You wanted to slip in through the veil into his arms and tumble into the sheets, you wanted to take away his pain of being left behind and replace it with pleasure enveloping his need, you wanted to give him a farewell of peaceful contentment, so he remembers the good and you can make him forget the bad.</p><p>But it needs to be real for him. And even as Desire, you are learning to see past the want, and embrace the need.</p><p>“Hello, Cullen.”</p><p>“(Y/n).” The fury in his voice rips through your wavering assuredness.</p><p>You fall silent. It’s not that you don’t have the words. But he looks so good, even when he wants to push you out and slam the door in your face. Especially when you see the longing fight it’s way past the anger and his thoughts give way to the image of running forward and picking you up in his arms. He stands firm, but you know better, and for once that helps. It’s good.</p><p>“Did you come all the way back just to stare at me?”</p><p>“It’s how we met isn’t it?”</p><p>The corners of his mouth lift without his consent. “Well you’ve seen me. You can leave now.”</p><p>He turns his back on you and you want to sprint to him, to shove your arms through his, to hug him so tightly from behind that he can’t shake you off. And that’s how it would be. You clinging to his back, taking everything you can from him, never knowing if he could face you and still give you himself. You need to ask. And to do so, you have to tell him all of it.</p><p>“I came to tell you the truth. But I need you to help me do that. Because I don’t know where to start.”</p><p>“How?” Monosyllabic, but it’s enough.</p><p>“Ask me everything you want to know. I will answer truthfully.”</p><p>“And how will I know you’re telling me the truth?” He looks at you impassively, and if you weren’t Desire, you wouldn’t know that he wants to ask you, wants to believe you, and probably will.</p><p>You keep your hands at your sides, resisting every last urge to touch him, to even just hold his hand. “Because it’s the best I can give you. And even if you don’t know me well, I think you know me enough to understand I came back because of you. I’ve given you the best of me before.”</p><p>He looks away and the memories come, bittersweet like the chocolates he keeps in his drawer still. “Alright.” He sits down and motions for you to do the same. You perch on the edge, because part of you still wants to flee, continue being a spirit who watches without being seen. You grip the edge firmly to stop yourself.</p><p>“Where did you go all this time?” There’s frustration in his voice.</p><p>“I was in the Fade.” His eyes widen.</p><p>“You were asleep this whole time?!”</p><p>“No. I was physically in the Fade. It’s where I live.” His mouth drops open.</p><p>“Who are you?”</p><p>The truth you’ve hidden so hard condensed into three words. “I am Desire.”</p><p>You half expect him to reach for his blade and the thought is there but he pushes past it. You love him for that.</p><p>You...love him.</p><p>“Are you like Cole?”</p><p>“He is Compassion. But yes we both pushed through the veil without possessing anyone.”</p><p>“But you’re solid. I can feel you.”</p><p>“Yes you can. Anytime.” It slips out and you blush. He looks uncomfortable, but at least not disgusted.</p><p>“Are you a spirit or human?”</p><p>You clutch your chair for strength. He’s not going to like this answer. “A spirit.”</p><p>He nods slowly. Still, disappointment is better than fear.</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you leave?”</p><p> </p><p>It’s your turn to be stunned. The question is unfathomable because why would a Templar ask a demon that? Who would care?</p><p>“You promised me the truth.”</p><p>Why is this harder to answer? He already knows who you are. Or would he say what you are? Are you worth being a Who?</p><p>You can only hold yourself back for so long. You’re only human. Or you’re only spirit. You feel yourself slipping away.</p><p> </p><p>“Get back here, (y/n)!”</p><p> </p><p>It’s the name he gave you. It pulls you back.</p><p>“Do you see me as a person, Cullen?”</p><p>“Right now I see you as a vexing woman who’s run away from me twice!”</p><p>In his anger he has humanized you, somehow.</p><p>You can’t help but laugh. It starts with a giggle but it grows, travelling to your belly and shaking you out of your chair.</p><p>He crosses his arms and scowls at you but there’s a twinkle in his eye.</p><p>“Answer the damn question (y/n).”</p><p>You take a deep breath and it echoes with the roaring in your ears.</p><p>“I crossed over for you. I wanted to be with you. I’ve wanted you for so long. But even though you wanted me too, you wouldn’t act on it, even when I threw myself at you. It wore me out. I couldn’t take it, so I left.”</p><p>He nods, acknowledging the truth. Then he looks at you in suspicion.</p><p>“How long have you…”</p><p>“Wanted you?” He was too embarrassed to finish the question so you did it for him. “Longer than I’d like to admit.”</p><p>His lips twitch again, but he holds firm. “How long? In terms of actual time. And don’t give me some bullshit about time being different in the Fade.”</p><p>“Time does pass differently!” You retort, but you can’t just keep deflecting. “I’ve known you since you started training to be a Templar.”</p><p>He gapes at you. “But I didn’t fall for you...didn’t realize I’d fallen for you until Kirkwall. When I stood in front of each strike before it passed right through me onto your skin.”</p><p>He clenches his fists at the memory, his nails fitting perfectly into the scabs on his palm. “You knew…”</p><p>“I watched. I tried to stop them. I just couldn’t break through the damn veil.”</p><p>“It wouldn’t have done any good.”</p><p>“All I could do was stay with you. Even if you couldn’t see me, couldn’t know I existed. I didn’t want you to be alone.”</p><p>He shakes his head at the revelation. “Knowing wouldn’t have made it any easier.”</p><p>“Well, you know now.”</p><p>“I do.” His voice is low and for once you shut out the sounds and sights of wanting because you don’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss and you’re tired of being unhappy.<br/>
“Thank you for telling me. Everything.”</p><p>Your own voice is a whisper. “I wanted to give you the best of me. Now I have.”</p><p>It’s done. The lying, the hiding, the running.</p><p>You sit in silence and it seems time passes differently here, because it’s a century before he speaks again.</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you back, (y/n)? What do you want?”</p><p>It’s simple this time. Like Cole said it would be. One word. You.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you want Cullen? I think it’s fair you answer me first, since I’ve answered so many of yours.”</p><p>He squeezes his eyes shut and the scabs on his palms burst as he forces the words out. “I want peace. If I can’t have that yet, I want simplicity. But once we do have peace… I can try. With you.”</p><p>You’re glad he can’t see your tears, hell, you can barely handle them yourself. It’s hard even for you to understand them. Melancholy, bittersweet like when he kept his arms between you when you first kissed, like when he pulled out of your mouth to report to the Inquisitor, like when you realized you would never make yourself forget him.</p><p>“Just don’t ask me to make you forget me, Cullen.”</p><p>He lets out a choked laugh. “I could never.”</p><p>It would be unfair if you couldn’t touch him even now.</p><p>So you walk over, each step deliberate, waiting for him to open his eyes.</p><p>You’re in his lap when he finally does. You gaze into the abyss and the abyss gazes back.</p><p>One hand reaches to brush your hair and the other makes it around your waist.</p><p>Even though you’re Desire, he’s the one who recognizes what you want. “Don’t say it, (y/n). Not now.”</p><p>You don’t need to. He already knows.</p><p>You give him one long kiss, not letting him pull away because this has to last you until you’re ready.</p><p>“Will you wait for me?” The words are so soft you barely hear them, but you feel them against your lips.</p><p>Neither of you know exactly how long you’ve waited for him. Neither of you know how much longer you will.</p><p>You don’t answer. When you cross back this time, the veil slams shut and you know it won’t open again for a long time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>SOOOO this is what happens when you play a dwarf and get turned down by Cullen </p><p>Solas had some moments but he’s not totally forgiven either so he gets an unclear ending</p><p>Had to throw a mindfuck in there. Yup Solas pretended to be Cullen to try and help you. Got a lil caught up in it too.</p><p>Quick poll 1; WHICH LINE GAVE U FEELS</p><p>Mine is probably “I’m just me”</p><p> Oh wait when he says don’t say it because it will make things hard but he knows it YOU LOVE HIM WDGMLJGSAFKLLL</p><p>Thanks for reading lovelies!!! Have a wonderful day after Christmas!</p><p>Xoxo Bucky</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>